DMF joke thread

[DarkMonster620]

NSFW

http://i0.wp.com/intradayfun.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/I-Wouldnt-Want-To-Be-That-Guy.jpg?resize=540%2C770

[Popeye the Sailor]

Four OLD married guys go golfing. While playing the 4th hole, the
following conversation takes place:

1st Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint
every room in the house next weekend.”


2nd Guy: “That’s nothing. I had to promise my wife I would build a new
deck for the pool.”


3rd Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I would
remodel the kitchen for her.”


They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy
hadn’t said anything. So they asked him, “You haven’t said anything
about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend.
What’s the deal?”


4th Guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge, and said, ‘Golf course or intercourse?’ And she said, 'Wear your sweater.’”

[Popeye the Sailor]

The guy who invented predictive text has sadly died today. His funfair will be hello on sundial...


A crazy ex-girlfriend is like a box of chocolates, they'll both kill your dog.


I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

[Popeye the Sailor]

One of my mates told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

Which was an incredibly unnecessary and hurtful thing to say. It ruined our bath.



A terrorist attack has blown away two local houses - one made of straw and the other made of wood.

Police think that it's probably a lone wolf.




A G, B-flat, and a D walk into a bar and sit down.

Bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."

[Popeye the Sailor]

Why can't a food critic get a bookkeeping degree?


Because there is no accounting for taste.





An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. ‘Fred,’ he replies.

‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.

‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson.

I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’

[red baron]

[Popeye the Sailor]

[Monsterlover]

Trash panda

[Popeye the Sailor]

G'wan-say danger floof out loud.

[Popeye the Sailor]

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his
shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the
forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the
track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small
bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the
horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse
the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each
one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew
all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would
tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the
last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old
nag.

The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the
old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even
finish the race.

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded, "Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance.
Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!"

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic
are you my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish."

"That's the problem," said the Priest,

"You couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites."

[ducpainter]

 

[kopfjäger]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.  "Can I help you?" she asks.  "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

[Popeye the Sailor]

    An old man was eating in a truck stop minding his own business, when three dangerous looking bikers walked in.
    The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.
    The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s coffee and then he took a seat at the counter.
    The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
    Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
    One of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”
    The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

[Popeye the Sailor]

I knew a kid who had no body, arms or legs. His mom set him on the window sill to watch the kids go to school and he rolled off. When he hit the floor, a body popped out. Next day same thing, but this time, when he hits the floor, arms pop out. Next day he fell again and legs popped out.
They were so happy and the next day she was able to send him to school, just like the other kids. Unfortunately, on the way to school, he was hit by a car and died.




Should've quit while he was a head.

[Popeye the Sailor]

I had a lousy day of golfing yesterday. I only hit two good balls all day, and that was in the sandtrap when I stepped on a rake.