DMF joke thread

[Monsterlover]

[DarkMonster620]

[Speedbag]

[Popeye the Sailor]

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "




How do you corral a really good poet?


With a poet lariat.




I live in Florida and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read,
"I MISS PHILADELPHIA"
so, I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that read,
"I hope this helps."




An Englishman, a Frenchman, a gorgeous blonde, and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French idiot again.'



I picked up a pretty young lady hitchhitcher the other day. She was about 25, pretty blue eyes and was friendly enough. I was being a perfect gentleman when she told me she was a witch and could turn me into anything she wanted.


She whispered in my ear and sure enough I turned into a motel.

[Popeye the Sailor]

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One
transferred to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about
their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was
pretty good. Mind if I join you next week? "

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man
says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 am." He figures the early tee-time
will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15
minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30
am sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under-par round.

She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate
her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be
there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she
plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats
them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant
and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors
a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late,
which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly
beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they
can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of
beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do
you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I
learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and
forth.

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps
in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit.

Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers
off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it
points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre
information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

[GK]

I live in Florida and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read,
"I MISS PHILADELPHIA"
so, I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that read,
"I hope this helps."


An Englishman, a Frenchman, a gorgeous blonde, and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French idiot again.'

Excellent! Lol!

[ducpainter]

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet is because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course, Opie -- all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[kopfjäger]

 

[Howie]

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet is because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course, Opie -- all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Joke or truth

[ducpainter]

Sometimes the truth is funny.

[Speedbag]

Two horny midgets picked up a couple of hookers and took them back to their separate motel rooms, which were next to each other. The first midget couldn't get an erection no matter how hard he tried. He was further humiliated when he heard his friend in the next room repeatedly yelling, "Here I come again!"

The next morning the two met for breakfast to discuss their conquests. The first midget admitted, "It was so embarrassing, man, I couldn't even get it up."

The second midget said, "You think that's bad, I couldn't even make it up onto the bed!"

[Popeye the Sailor]

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean the Lions won the Super Bowl!"



A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”

“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”

He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”

“But what about the smell?”

“Just hold its nose.”

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene...

[ducpainter]

You need to work on your material.

[kopfjäger]

So, these two Germans walk into a BAR.

[ducpainter]

It's like Karaoke night in here.