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DMF joke thread
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Topic: DMF joke thread (Read 443135 times)
Popeye the Sailor
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #1725 on:
August 07, 2016, 10:44:36 PM »
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
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If the state had not cut funding for the mental institutions, this project could never have happened.
Monsterlover
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #1726 on:
August 08, 2016, 06:05:07 PM »
Quote from: kopfjäger on August 07, 2016, 06:44:02 PM
So, these two Germans walk into a BAR.
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"The Vincent was like a bullet that went straight; the Ducati is like the magic bullet in Dallas that went sideways and hit JFK and the Governor of Texas at the same time."--HST **"A man who works with his hands is a laborer. A man who works with his hands and his brain is a craftsman. A man who works with his hands, brains, and heart is an artist." -Louis Nizer**
Oldfisti
Some call it a sub, dagwood, hoagie or footlong. I just call it my...
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #1727 on:
August 08, 2016, 06:40:46 PM »
Quote from: kopfjäger on August 07, 2016, 06:44:02 PM
So, these two Germans walk into a BAR.
"You know those Germans... If you don't join the party, they'll come get you!"
Logged
Quote from: Sinister on November 06, 2008, 12:47:21 PM
It's like I keep saying: Those who would sacrifice a free range session for a giant beer, deserve neither free range time nor a giant beer.
Quote from: KnightofNi on November 10, 2009, 04:45:16 AM
i have had guys reach back and grab my crotch in an attempt to get around me. i'll either blow in their ear or ask them politely to let go of my wang.
Popeye the Sailor
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #1728 on:
August 18, 2016, 06:46:28 AM »
Best obit:
William Ziegler escaped this mortal realm on Friday, July 29, 2016 at the age of 69. We think he did it on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election.
He leaves behind four children, five grand- children, and the potted meat industry, for which he was an unofficial spokesman until dietary restrictions forced him to eat real food.
William volunteered for service in the United States Navy at the ripe old age of 17 and immediately realized he didn't much enjoy being bossed around. He only stuck it out for one war. Before his discharge, however, the government exchanged numerous ribbons and medals for various honorable acts.
Upon his return to the City of New Orleans in 1971, thinking it best to keep an eye on him, government officials hired William as a fireman. After twenty-five years, he suddenly realized that running away from burning buildings made more sense than running toward them. He promptly retired. Looking back, William stated that there was no better group of morons and mental patients than those he had the privilege of serving with (except Bob, he never liked you, Bob).
Following his wishes, there will not be a service, but well-wishers are encouraged to write a note of farewell on a Schaefer Light beer can and drink it in his honor. He was never one for sentiment or religiosity, but he wanted you to know that if he owes you a beer, and if you can find him in Heaven, he will gladly allow you to buy him another.
He can likely be found forwarding tasteless internet jokes (check your spam folder, but don't open these at work).
Expect to find an alcoholic dog named Judge passed out at his feet.
Unlike previous times, this is not a ploy to avoid creditors or old girlfriends. He assures us that he is gone. He will be greatly missed.
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If the state had not cut funding for the mental institutions, this project could never have happened.
triangleforge
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #1729 on:
August 18, 2016, 01:48:07 PM »
That's setting the bar pretty high, alright. While we never met, here's to ya, William Ziegler.
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By hammer and hand all arts do stand.
2000 Cagiva Gran Canyon
kopfjäger
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #1730 on:
September 02, 2016, 08:37:47 AM »
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“Woohoohoohoo! Two personal records! For breath holding and number of sharks shot in the frickin\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
kopfjäger
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #1731 on:
September 21, 2016, 05:51:22 PM »
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Speedbag
And the Intrepid
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #1732 on:
October 04, 2016, 02:31:03 PM »
A deaf mute walked into a drugstore to buy some condoms but he couldn't find any on the shelf. He went to the counter, but had trouble explaining what he wanted to the pharmacist. Frustrated, he finally unzipped his pants, put his member on the counter, and put a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist looked puzzled for a moment but then unzipped his pants, laid his huge schlong on the counter and put a fiver next to it. He then grabbed both bills and put them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute frantically cursed the pharmacist using sign language.
"Hey," said the pharmacist, "if you can't afford to lose you probably shouldn't bet!"
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I tend to regard most of humanity as little more than walking talking dilated sphincters. - Rat
Monsterlover
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #1733 on:
October 11, 2016, 11:00:46 AM »
Stolen from Reddit -
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?"
She agrees so they go to a secluded corner.
She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
Logged
"The Vincent was like a bullet that went straight; the Ducati is like the magic bullet in Dallas that went sideways and hit JFK and the Governor of Texas at the same time."--HST **"A man who works with his hands is a laborer. A man who works with his hands and his brain is a craftsman. A man who works with his hands, brains, and heart is an artist." -Louis Nizer**
kopfjäger
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #1734 on:
October 11, 2016, 01:33:14 PM »
Should have left it where you found it.
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Monsterlover
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I will save Skynet from Sarah Connor
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #1735 on:
October 11, 2016, 01:38:04 PM »
Quote from: kopfjäger on October 11, 2016, 01:33:14 PM
Should have left it where you found it.
Geez, that's half this thread.
I laugh, I post.
Logged
"The Vincent was like a bullet that went straight; the Ducati is like the magic bullet in Dallas that went sideways and hit JFK and the Governor of Texas at the same time."--HST **"A man who works with his hands is a laborer. A man who works with his hands and his brain is a craftsman. A man who works with his hands, brains, and heart is an artist." -Louis Nizer**
ducpainter
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DILLIGAF
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #1736 on:
October 11, 2016, 01:40:25 PM »
Don't listen to Grumpy...
I liked it.
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"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
perspective
is even more amazing than yours."
To realize the value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent.”
kopfjäger
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Feral 859
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #1737 on:
October 11, 2016, 01:46:21 PM »
Logged
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kopfjäger
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #1738 on:
October 11, 2016, 02:03:16 PM »
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a pregnant dog outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued." The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?" The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
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ducpainter
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #1739 on:
October 11, 2016, 02:17:01 PM »
We need that one to be put in cartoon form so it can go in the 'Wrong Comic Thread'...
Logged
"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
perspective
is even more amazing than yours."
To realize the value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent.”
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