DMF joke thread

[Popeye the Sailor]

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

[Monsterlover]

So, these two Germans walk into a BAR.

[Oldfisti]

So, these two Germans walk into a BAR.

  


"You know those Germans...  If you don't join the party, they'll come get you!"

[Popeye the Sailor]

Best obit:



William Ziegler escaped this mortal realm on Friday, July 29, 2016 at the age of 69. We think he did it on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election.

He leaves behind four children, five grand- children, and the potted meat industry, for which he was an unofficial spokesman until dietary restrictions forced him to eat real food.

William volunteered for service in the United States Navy at the ripe old age of 17 and immediately realized he didn't much enjoy being bossed around. He only stuck it out for one war. Before his discharge, however, the government exchanged numerous ribbons and medals for various honorable acts.

Upon his return to the City of New Orleans in 1971, thinking it best to keep an eye on him, government officials hired William as a fireman. After twenty-five years, he suddenly realized that running away from burning buildings made more sense than running toward them. He promptly retired. Looking back, William stated that there was no better group of morons and mental patients than those he had the privilege of serving with (except Bob, he never liked you, Bob).

Following his wishes, there will not be a service, but well-wishers are encouraged to write a note of farewell on a Schaefer Light beer can and drink it in his honor. He was never one for sentiment or religiosity, but he wanted you to know that if he owes you a beer, and if you can find him in Heaven, he will gladly allow you to buy him another.

He can likely be found forwarding tasteless internet jokes (check your spam folder, but don't open these at work).

Expect to find an alcoholic dog named Judge passed out at his feet.

Unlike previous times, this is not a ploy to avoid creditors or old girlfriends. He assures us that he is gone. He will be greatly missed.

[triangleforge]

That's setting the bar pretty high, alright.  While we never met, here's to ya, William Ziegler. 

[kopfjäger]

[kopfjäger]

[Speedbag]

A deaf mute walked into a drugstore to buy some condoms but he couldn't find any on the shelf. He went to the counter, but had trouble explaining what he wanted to the pharmacist. Frustrated, he finally unzipped his pants, put his member on the counter, and put a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist looked puzzled for a moment but then unzipped his pants, laid his huge schlong on the counter and put a fiver next to it. He then grabbed both bills and put them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute frantically cursed the pharmacist using sign language.

"Hey," said the pharmacist, "if you can't afford to lose you probably shouldn't bet!"

[Monsterlover]

Stolen from Reddit -

A man saw a lady with big breasts.  He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?"
She agrees so they go to a secluded corner.

She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.  Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

[kopfjäger]

Should have left it where you found it. 

[Monsterlover]

Should have left it where you found it. 

Geez, that's half this thread.

I laugh, I post.

[ducpainter]

Don't listen to Grumpy...

I liked it.

[kopfjäger]

 

[kopfjäger]

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long.  The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a pregnant dog outta here.  It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued." The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator.  I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar.  Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth.  The alligator just keeps his mouth open.  After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?" The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

[ducpainter]

We need that one to be put in cartoon form so it can go in the 'Wrong Comic Thread'...