DMF joke thread

[Monsterlover]

[Speedbag]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

[Howie]

 

[GK]

Gold!

[Jaman]

That was some funny shiznay, thankU!

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Monsterlover]

Nice!

[ducpainter]

 

[Speedbag]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is STERNUM."

[kopfjäger]

   

[Monsterlover]

[Howie]

 

[kopfjäger]

[Jaman]

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian Beers, draft please".

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ahh, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture"

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John "Hamburgers & Molson Beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

...

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[Jaman]

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.   Then the town folk found  they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow  over from Wales.   It was absolutely  wonderful, it produced lots of milk  every day and everyone was  happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.    They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what approach  the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to  do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries  to mount our cow, she moves away.   If he approaches from  the back, she moves forward.   When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.   If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?”  The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.

"You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales?

The vet replied with a distant look in  his eye:  "My wife is from  Wales"