DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

 

[Speedbag]

 

[kopfjäger]

Reporter: So Fred, you’re 97! What’s your secret?
Fred: I sucked a cock for a watch once.
Reporter: I meant secret of your longevity.
Fred: Oh! Fruits and vegetables.

[NAKID]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

 

[DW]

A heavy drinker was at the end of another night pounding them down when he upchucked on himself.

"Oh no," he moaned.  "Now when I ged home the ol' lady is gonna give me hell aboud my drin- my drinking again."

The guy next to him advised, "Do what I do."  "I put a ten dollar bill in my shirt pocket.  When my old lady starts up about something like that, I say some OTHER drunk puked on me, pull out the ten-spot, and say 'look - he gave me ten bucks to get the shirt cleaned'."

"Gr.. Great idea," the drunk said.

Once home, his wife lit into him like crazy about the barf on his shirt..  "No no no.  You don' unnerstand.  The guy next to me pu - pu - upchucked on me.  Look - he gave me ten bucks to get my shirt cleaned."

The drunk reached into his pocket and handed his wife a couple of bills.

"You said ten bucks, but showed me TWENTY bucks," she said.

"O - ah - oh yeah," said the drunk.  "I forgod - forgot.  He ship .... he shid in my pants too."

[Monsterlover]

[ducpainter]

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" 
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominos. "

[kopfjäger]

 

[Speedbag]

 

[ducpainter]

THE OLD GOLFER
 
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.  One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.  This is one ferocious lion.  He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.  Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."  She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.  The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.  He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.  He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."  He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

[Speedbag]

 

(knew it had to end something like that)

[ducpainter]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

[Howie]

You sure this is a joke

[ducpainter]

You sure this is a joke

I sympathize my friend...it's still funny.