DMF joke thread

[Howie]

I sympathize my friend...it's still funny.

It is.

[kopfjäger]

Doctor: {handful of pills} Here, take four of these.

Me: {swallowing them} What are they?

Doctor: {crushing up and snorting the rest} We’re about to make the beast with two backsing find out!

[Monsterlover]

[koko64]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

OMG, the scales gave fallen from my eyes, I understand everything now!

[krolik]

If two vegans have a disagreement, is it still a beef?

[Jaman]

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
 
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
 
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."
 
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
 
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
 
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[Randimus Maximus]

 

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Jaman]

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport.
 
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Coolangatta.
I want to thank you for flying with us today and  hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast.
 
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
 
The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,
'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?'
 
'Well,' says the skipper, 'first  I'm gonna  check into the hotel, take a big crap.. then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge hooters out for dinner.. I'm gonna wine and  dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long..'
 
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
 
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of  the plane.
 
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
 
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
 
The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear..
 
He's gotta land the plane and take a sh*t first.'

[ungeheuer]

Not sure Coolangatta could accommodate a 747.

Just sayin'

[Jaman]

Interviewer to pharmacist...

Q:  Tell me, how did you and your husband meet?

A:  Well, I'm a pharmacist, and he came in to buy some condoms and asked for XXXXL.
...and it was only after we got married did I realized that he stutters...

Ba-dum-bump!

[kopfjäger]

Telling a Dalai Lama joke to the Dalai Lama.

[Jaman]

Minnesota farmer named Olie  had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:
"Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
Olie responded: "Vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Olie said, "Vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said,  "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By  this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and said to the attorney: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie."
Olie said: 'Tank you," and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.
"By yimminy yahosaphat, I vas hurt purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.
"Shortly after da accident,a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.
"Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, How are you feelin?'"
"Now wot da fock vud you say?

[ducpainter]

 

[Jaman]

Oldie but goodie...

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope...