DMF joke thread

[Duck-Stew]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink.

The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him, "What brings you to Canada?"

The Irishman says, "Well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot"

 

LOL!

[Speedbag]

 

[ducpainter]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN:"I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000." ;

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN:"Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[kopfjäger]

 

[ducpainter]

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and the Republic and Patrick is the priest at the Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says, "THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Thats the third one this mornin'."

Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe the sign should just say "BRIDGE OUT”?

[Randimus Maximus]

 

[DarkMonster620]

 

[ducpainter]

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education. You do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put ten $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also placed $1,000 there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his check book, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
He later went on to become a politician.

[Jaman]

   

[Randimus Maximus]

Good one! 

[ducpainter]

A little boy and a little girl were playing “you show me yours, I’ll show you mine “. The little girl said “can I touch that?” The little boy said “Hell no! You broke yours off you sure ain’t gonna touch mine!”

[DarkMonster620]

 

[ducpainter]

Bill came home drunk every night and violently threw up in the bathtub. Eunice was sick of it but the nagging just didn’t work. She kept telling him that one night he was going to throw up his guts but he paid her no attention at all. She decided she would try scare tactics so she ran to the butcher shop, bought a 5 gallon bucket of pig guts, ran home and poured them in the tub, and quickly got in the bed before Bill came stumbling in. She soon heard him in the throne room heaving and blowing as usual but this time he stayed and stayed in there and finally Eunice went to sleep. The next morning she woke to find Bill sitting in a chair in the bedroom. When he saw her eyes open he said “Honey, I didn’t believe you but you were right, last night I did throw up my guts but with God’s help and a little wooden spoon I managed to get ‘em back down”

[ducpainter]

A woman goes into a vets clinic with a very flaccid duck. The vet gives the duck an examination and after a few minutes he turns to the lady and says " I'm very sorry, but this duck is dead". "how can you be sure this duck is dead" asks the woman. The vet turns around and says " I've been a practicing vet for the best part of 30 years, but if you won't take me word for it, I'll run a few more tests". The vet then goes "puss puss puss" and a cat walks into the examination room, Jumps on the table and looks at the very limp duck with great detail. After a few minutes the cat looks up at the vet and with very sad eyes shakes its head at the vet. The vet then turns to the woman and say " I'm very sorry, but that duck is dead". The woman, who still can't believe it requests another test. The vet by this point is getting rather exasperated whistles and a Fox red Labrador ambles into the room. The dog jumps up at the table and gives the duck a very thorough sniffing all over. After a few minutes the dog turns around and look at the vet with very sad eyes and shakes his head. The vet then turns to the woman and say "This duck is dead. 110 percent. I'd bet my house on it." The woman then turns around and accepts that her beloved duck is dead. The vet then prints out the bill for the woman, a sum total of £1200. " WHAT?!" she exclaims, "£1200 FOR YOU TO TELL ME MY DUCK IS DEAD?!" The vet calmly turns to her and says " if you'd have taken my word for it, it would have been £30. But with the cat scan and the lab report......"

[ducpainter]

A smorgasbord...

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'



A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'



'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'



A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really Good with the kids.'


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from Chicago to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.


Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'



A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'



While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds
since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked.

'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.