DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

A guy walked into the bar of a restaurant, went up to the bartender and asked, “How much for a beer?“

 The bartender replied, “A dollar. The guy ordered a beer and then asked, "Well then, how much for a NY sirloin with side of mashed potatoes, a salad and a large slice of cheesecake for dessert?” “Five dollars,” replied the bartender.

The guy ordered everything l and after he was done said, "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place.”

The bartender said, "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".

The guy, confused, asked, "What’s he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
 
"The same thing I'm doing to his business,” the bartender, replied.

[ducpainter]

A guy walked into the bar of a restaurant, went up to the bartender and asked, “How much for a beer?“

 The bartender replied, “A dollar. The guy ordered a beer and then asked, "Well then, how much for a NY sirloin with side of mashed potatoes, a salad and a large slice of cheesecake for dessert?” “Five dollars,” replied the bartender.

The guy ordered everything l and after he was done said, "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place.”

The bartender said, "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".

The guy, confused, asked, "What’s he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"

 
 
"The same thing I'm doing to his business,” the bartender, replied.

[Randimus Maximus]

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.
Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thought about this throughout the night but kept forgetting the answer. Her husband kept repeating, "The head, heart and penis."

Come the game show she forgot again, and the presenter asked, "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."

"Um... the head."

"Good. Eight seconds."

"Um... the heart."

"That's right. Five seconds."

"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough! You've won $100,000!"

[stopintime]

 

[ducpainter]

 

[ducpainter]

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who had just lost her husband Bernie and was very despondent. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
She took out Bernie's old army pistol and decided to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable, she called her doctor to ask exactly where the heart would be. The doctor said "On a woman, your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[DarkMonster620]

 

[ducpainter]

an old trucker sat down in a diner and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the wrinkled old gear jammer and asked, ‘Are you a real trucker?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life driving big rigs. I have delivered grain to breweries, I have carted machinery across the country, I have given rides at county fairs to lots of kids, and clocked up over 4 million miles, that's like to the moon and back 10 times so I guess I am a trucker – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young boy sat down on the other side of the old truck driver and asked, ‘Are you a real trucker?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian!

[kopfjäger]

They said I could avoid jail if I went to therapy.
At my first session my therapist said to me "Imagine a train coming towards you, what do you do?"
I said "I get in my helicopter & fly away."
He said "Where’d you get the helicopter?"
I said
“Same F**KING place you got the train.”

[ducpainter]

They said I could avoid jail if I went to therapy.
At my first session my therapist said to me "Imagine a train coming towards you, what do you do?"
I said "I get in my helicopter & fly away."
He said "Where’d you get the helicopter?"
I said
“Same F**KING place you got the train.”

[Speedbag]

  

[Randimus Maximus]

Wife: "Honey, let's play a game"

Husband: "Okay, what's the game?"

W: "If I mention a country, you run to the left side of the room and touch the wall.  And if I mention a bird, you run to the right side of the room and touch the wall.  If you run in the wrong direction, you give me your salary for the month."

H: "Okay, but if I'm right, I'll have your salary?"

W: "Yes, darling."

H: "Okay."

W: "Are you ready?"

H: "Yes, ready."

W: "Turkey."

It's been 4 hours now and he's still standing in the middle of the room, wondering if she meant the country or the bird.

[ducpainter]

So a guy walks up to the bar with a box under his arm. Takes a seat, and then slides the front of the box open. Then he proceeds to slide a tiny little grand piano and bench out onto the bar. After that a small one foot tall guy wearing a tux with tails comes out of the box, takes a seat, and starts playing the tiny piano.

The bartender comes up and says “That’s amazing! Where did you find that little guy and his piano? I’ve never seen anything like it!”

Customer says “It’s the box. It is magic.”

Bartender: “How is it magic?”

Customer: “You rub it with both hands and make a wish on it and then the wish comes close to happening, but it is not exact.”

Bartender: “Can I try?”

Customer: “Well, you can, but be warned. It doesn’t always get your wish exactly right.”

The bartender decides to take a chance, rubbed the box with both hands, closed his eyes, and made a wish for a million bucks. When he opened his eyes he looked around but didn’t see the million bucks.

A few minutes later there was lots of noise outside. Horns honking, cars crashing, people screaming, and so on. The bartender runs to the door, opens it, and there is a million ducks causing chaos in the streets.

Bartender turns to the man and says “I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks!”

Customer says to the bartender “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

[Randimus Maximus]

A little boy got on the bus and sat next to a man reading a book.  He noticed that the man had his collar on backwards.  The little boy ask why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My daddy is also a father, but he doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My dad has four boys, four girls, two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

[ducpainter]

A little boy got on the bus and sat next to a man reading a book.  He noticed that the man had his collar on backwards.  The little boy ask why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My daddy is also a father, but he doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My dad has four boys, four girls, two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."