DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.


My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.


Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.


The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.


I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her...

"Colonel Sanders".


Guess where I am now...

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

Where do bad rainbows go?

Prism

It's a light sentence, and gives them time to reflect.

[Jaman]

A precious little girl walks into PetSmart and asks,  in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,  "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,  "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and  fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like dat cute widdle bwown wabbit over  der?" 

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
 "I don't think my python weally gives a thyit."

[Randimus Maximus]

A precious little girl walks into PetSmart and asks,  in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,  "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,  "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and  fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like dat cute widdle bwown wabbit over  der?" 

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
 "I don't think my python weally gives a thyit."

 

[ducpainter]

 

[Jaman]

Jesus hears there is a Led Zeppelin concert in Hell & really wants to go. 
He asks his Dad if he can go, and after some negotiations, God agrees, but only if Peter goes along.

So Jesus & Peter go, they have a blast, and on the way back Jesus says to Peter:

"Wouldn't it be great if we could get them to come play in Heaven too??!!  Can you call them & ask?"

Peter dials the number, asks, nods a few times, a few "yes"s, 'ok", "I understand" and hangs up.

Jesus anxiously asks:

"So, what did they say??!!"

Peter:

"They said they don't do gigs for 4 people"

[DarkMonster620]

 

Jesus hears there is a Led Zeppelin concert in Hell & really wants to go. 
He asks his Dad if he can go, and after some negotiations, God agrees, but only if Peter goes along.

So Jesus & Peter go, they have a blast, and on the way back Jesus says to Peter:

"Wouldn't it be great if we could get them to come play in Heaven too??!!  Can you call them & ask?"

Peter dials the number, asks, nods a few times, a few "yes"s, 'ok", "I understand" and hangs up.

Jesus anxiously asks:

"So, what did they say??!!"

Peter:

"They said they don't do gigs for 4 people"

[Jaman]

Oldie but goodie:

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

[ducpainter]

 

I'm stealin' it.

[ducpainter]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

“What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up from his coffee, “It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.”

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,'” he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. “Yes, I do!” she replied.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember'” said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years.”

“Yes, I remember that” she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

[kopfjäger]

 

[stopintime]

Ouch 

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Howie]

Ouch indeed!

On a different note:

Paul is worried about his dog Patrick and takes him to see Dr. Simon, the local vet.
"My dog has a problem, doctor," says Paul.
"OK, so tell me already about your dog and his problem," says doctor Simon.
"Well, doctor," replies Paul, "despite his name, Patrick is a Jewish dog. And not only that, Patrick can talk."
"You're joking, surely?" asks doctor Simon.
"No I'm not," replies Paul. "Just watch this."
Paul then looks Patrick in the eye and says, "Patrick, fetch."
Immediately, Patrick starts to walk toward the door. But then he stops, turns around, looks at Paul and says, "Why, oh why, do you continue to talk to me like that, Paul? You're always ordering me around like I'm a nothing, a gornisht. You only seem to talk to me when you want something. How degraded I feel. And that's not all. You always force me to sleep on the cold, tiled floor at night - and me with my arthritis! And you persist in giving me unhealthy fahkahkta food which contains a lot of salt and fat. Do you really think I'm going to fall for your claim that it's a special diet? It tastes like dreck! You should try eating it yourself. And do you and Natalie ever take me for a decent walk around Bushey? No you don't. It's always just out of the house, a short pish, and then right back home again. Oy vey! If I could only stretch out a little, maybe my sciatica wouldn't hurt me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real, for all you care about me."
Dr. Simon is absolutely stunned. "This is absolutely incredible. I've never heard of such a talking dog. But why have you brought him here? What medical problem does Patrick have?"
"He has a very bad hearing problem, doctor," replies Paul, "I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch'."