DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

So I checked in to a nice hotel, called the front desk and asked for a wake up call at six am

Phone rings at six

Voice says ‘your an alcoholic , your finances are a mess and your personal life is in ruins, you need to turn things around here ol’son’

Not exactly what I asked for

[kopfjäger]

 

[ducpainter]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[DarkMonster620]

So I checked in to a nice hotel, called the front desk and asked for a wake up call at six am

Phone rings at six

Voice says ‘your an alcoholic , your finances are a mess and your personal life is in ruins, you need to turn things around here ol’son’

Not exactly what I asked for

[DarkMonster620]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[ducpainter]

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks?" Paddy said.

[ducpainter]

On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180."
Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season's pass?"

[kopfjäger]

 

[Jaman]

 

[DarkMonster620]

 

[ducpainter]

Take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you will lose it !!

#1. What do you put in a toaster?







Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else. And, try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question #2.

# 2. Say 'silk' ten times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?








Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.

# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green-house made from?







Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this? PLEASE, go and lie down! But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.

# 4. Please do not use a calculator for this for it would be cheating: You are driving a bus from Jurong to Changi. At Bukit Batok, 17 people got on the bus. At Clementi, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. At Outram, 2 people get off and 4 get on. At Marine Parade, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. And at Eunos, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. You then arrive at Changi.

Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?





Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!

I hope you had fun with this, I did... I already know that even when you missed a question, you went on to the next one, didn't you? Congratulations! Life is like that, even when you fail, you keep going and persisting. Failure is no reason to give up!

[kopfjäger]

  I’ll just go make some bread.

[Randimus Maximus]

A woman went to buy a parrot.

The shopkeeper brought out three parrots for her to see.

He showed her the first and said,"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company.”

“It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, with different voices for each part. It's yours for only $500.”

“That's amazing, but I don't think I can afford that" the woman answered.

"OK, no problem. For $100 this parrot is incredible. It was raised in the home of Sir Andrew Motion, it knows the complete works of Eliot, Wordsworth and Whitman and will recite their poems on command."

That's incredible, but I can't afford that one either,” the woman said.

"OK, here’s budget option. This next parrot is only $50. He's wonderful. He used to be Andrew Lloyd Webber's parrot, and he knows all the show tunes. He whistles any show tune you like on command."

"Wow, that's great. It's still too expensive though. What can I get for $20?”

The shopkeeper looked at her, shrugged, went into the back room and brought out another parrot. Its colors were far more radiant than the other three.

“What a beautiful parrot!”The woman exclaimed. “Why is it only $5?"

“Because,” replied the shopkeeper, “The only things it knows how to recite are the jokes RC deWinter tells on Twitter and it has a tendency to repeat the same three or four every day.”

[Randimus Maximus]

A Texan walked into a pub in Ireland and announced, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The pub grew quiet and no one took up the Texan's offer. One man even left.

30 minutes later the man who left came back and tapped the Texan on the shoulder.

“Is your bet still good?" he asked.

The Texan said yes and asked the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tore into all 10 of the pint glasses and drank them back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheered as the Texan stared in amazement.

As he gave the Irishman the $500 he said, “If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that half hour?"

The Irishman replied, “Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

[Speedbag]