DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

Good one.

[DarkMonster620]

 

A couple was celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a
Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number
One. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a
Patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important
Thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom
Look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and
Didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy
Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was
Really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long
Time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each
Of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we
Loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean We're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too."

[ducpainter]

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which horse was which.
A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black horse.

[Randimus Maximus]

I may have had a blonde moment figuring that one out.

 

[Howie]

I may have had a blonde moment figuring that one out.

 

If you figured it out you did better than me.

[ducpainter]

IRISH COURT , Heres your touch of Ireland today !
The judge says to a double murder defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.

[ducpainter]

Three men were traveling in rural America when their car came to grief, whereupon they sought shelter at the nearest farmhouse.
The farmer had two spare beds, and, of course, his daughters's, but since he had heard all of those stories he informed the men that one of them would have to sleep in the barn. One of them, a very polite Hindu mathematician, immediately volunteered and went out to the barn. A short time later there was a knock on the door, and, sure enough, there was the Hindu, very apologetically explaining that there were cows in the barn, and because of his religious convictions, he didn't think he could remain there.
A second man, a conservative rabbi, now volunteered and went. But a short time later, there was a knock on the door. Sure enough, he too was back, explaining that since there was a pig in the barn, he too would be quite uncomfortable out there.
Whereupon the third man, a practicing lawyer, agreeably proceeded out to the barn.
In a little while, there was a knock on the door. And when they went to answer it, sure enough, there were the cows and the pig.

[ducpainter]

Sven says to Ole: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with Lena . The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday. "
Ole says: "Well the joke's on them, because I wasn't even home yesterday"!'

[ducpainter]

Two hunters from out west hired a pilot to fly them to Maine
to hunt moose.
They bagged four.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home,
the pilot tells them that the Beaver can carry only two moose, one on each
pontoon.
The hunters objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four moose.
The pilot let us put them all on board,
and he had the same kind of plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.
Unfortunately, even at full power, the plane couldn't handle the load
and crashed shortly after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck, the first hunter asked his buddy,
"Any idea where we are?"
The buddy replied,
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[ducpainter]

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his home town and then left for New York City. Soon he was invited to give a speech in his home town. As he placed his notes on the lectern they slid off onto the floor, and when he bent over to retrieve them, he passed gas loudly, and the microphone amplified it throughout the auditorium. He was terribly embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away."
"Have you never visited since?" asked the desk clerk.
“I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too. Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years, probably before you were born."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

[Randimus Maximus]

A woman joined a country club & when she heard some guys talking about their golf round she said, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"

No one wanted to say yes but they were on the spot. Finally, one guy said, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 A.M.” He figured the early tee time would discourage her.

She asked if once in a while she could be up to 15 minutes late.

The men rolled their eyes but said okay.

The next day she was there at 6:30 AM sharp and beat all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.  She was fun and pleasant and the guys were impressed. They congratulated her and invited her back the next week.

She smiled and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp, only this time she played left-handed.  The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. They invited her back again because each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

The third week she was 15 minutes late, which irritated the guys, but she played right handed and beat all 3 of
them. They had a couple of beers in the clubhouse and finally one of the men asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The woman blushed and grinned. “When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous." she replied. “I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right I golf right-handed; if it points to the left I golf left-handed."

The guys laughed and one asked, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

She smiled and said, “Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

[Randimus Maximus]

One day. Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest and a wolf sitting under a tree with its ears erect and its mouth stretched in a big toothy grin.

She said to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!"

The wolf just grinned and looked a bit wild about the eyes.

She said, "My, what big eyes you have!"

The wolf grinned a bit wider but looked slightly annoyed.

She said, "My, what big teeth you have!"

The wolf pulled himself together, looked her in the eye and said, "make the beast with two backs off! I'm trying to take a dump!"

[kopfjäger]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

A man went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the man’s gum.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

Then the dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient said. “I’m fine with pills.”

The dentist went over to a cabinet and took a pill out of a bottle, handed it  to the man and said, “Here’s a Viagra tablet.”

The patient said, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.”

“It doesn’t,” said the dentist. “But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”

[ducpainter]