DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!”

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya, ma’am. I’m real flattered. Aitn’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”

“Don’t be flattered,” the woman replied. “Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

[ducpainter]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers.

When he finished his drink, the cowboy found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?”he yelled.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I done in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[ducpainter]

   

[Randimus Maximus]

Little Johnny's mother was upset about his swearing, so she went to see the priest at her church to discuss the situation

"I don't know what to do with my son anymore, Father," she says. "He started a while ago to say swear words, and now he’s saying at least one in every sentence."

"Why, I have just the perfect solution," the priest smiled. "How is he financially? I mean, does your son have a piggy bank or something?"

"He keeps his savings, once in a while he gets one coin or two," the woman replied.

"Very well,” the priest said. "Make him donate ten cents for the church for each time you catch him or know from someone that he said a swear word. Come back at the end of the month with him to give the poor box everything he owes. Maybe financial pressure will control him."

"Great, Father!" The mother grinned. "I'll start today."

At the end of the month the woman went back to church with Little Johnny and was clearly not happy.

The priest noticed her bad mood and said “So, tell me how it went.”

“Father, he is quite a chatterbox, he owes $9.90," the mother revealed, then turning to her son said, “Little Johnny, come here and Give the money to the priest."

Little Johnny Walked up quietly and handed the priest  a $10 bill.

"Ten dollars?"the priest said. "I'm afraid I don't have ten cents to do change."

"Oh, Father, don't worry," Little Johnny smiled. "Just go make the beast with two backs yourself and we're even."

[ducpainter]

 

[kopfjäger]

 

[kopfjäger]

One day in school the teacher asks little Johnny, “If there were five birds on the tree and you shoot two birds with your gun then how many would be left?”

“None because they would all fly away,” replies little Johnny.

“That is incorrect,” says the teacher, “There would be three left, but I like the way you think.”

Then little Johnny asks the teacher, “If there were three women on the bench with an ice cream cone, one biting on the cone, the other sucking the cone, and the last one licking her cone, which one is married?”

“The one sucking on the cone,” guessed the teacher.

“That is incorrect,” replies little Johnny, “The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you think.”

[DarkMonster620]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers.

When he finished his drink, the cowboy found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?”he yelled.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I done in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[DarkMonster620]

Little Johnny's mother was upset about his swearing, so she went to see the priest at her church to discuss the situation

"I don't know what to do with my son anymore, Father," she says. "He started a while ago to say swear words, and now he’s saying at least one in every sentence."

"Why, I have just the perfect solution," the priest smiled. "How is he financially? I mean, does your son have a piggy bank or something?"

"He keeps his savings, once in a while he gets one coin or two," the woman replied.

"Very well,” the priest said. "Make him donate ten cents for the church for each time you catch him or know from someone that he said a swear word. Come back at the end of the month with him to give the poor box everything he owes. Maybe financial pressure will control him."

"Great, Father!" The mother grinned. "I'll start today."

At the end of the month the woman went back to church with Little Johnny and was clearly not happy.

The priest noticed her bad mood and said “So, tell me how it went.”

“Father, he is quite a chatterbox, he owes $9.90," the mother revealed, then turning to her son said, “Little Johnny, come here and Give the money to the priest."

Little Johnny Walked up quietly and handed the priest  a $10 bill.

"Ten dollars?"the priest said. "I'm afraid I don't have ten cents to do change."

"Oh, Father, don't worry," Little Johnny smiled. "Just go make the beast with two backs yourself and we're even."

[Randimus Maximus]

A man asked a priest for absolution during confession.

The priest told the man, “It’s clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give $20 to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she might be.”

The man left the church and started walking down the sidewalk. After a few minutes he saw sees a woman and by her appearance he knew she was a prostitute, prostitute but remembering the priest’s  words – “it doesn't matter who he or she might be he walked up to her and offered her a $20 bill.

The woman was furious. “Do you think you can have me for just $20? Who do you think I am? You'll need at least $100!”, she snapped.

The man replied, "I'm sorry, surely there has been a misunderstanding. the priest of the nearby church told me to give you $20".

"Now I see", answered the woman. “But listen to me, darling – he pays $20 because he’s a loyal customer, but he can't send all his friends here expecting me to make a discount for everyone! "

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Duck-Stew]

If Jesus were gay and into white guys…


Christ on a cracker has a different meaning.   

[Randimus Maximus]

A priest went to see his Bishop and asked if he would hear his confession.

“Of course,” the Bishop said and took out his rosary. “And what do you have to confess?”

“Well, Your Grace, I used profane language,” the priest said, shifting a bit in obvious embarrassment. 

“I understand,” the Bishop said. “And under what circumstance did you use the profanity?”

“Well, Your Grace, I was playing golf and I stepped up to the tee on a par four and I hit what was probably the best drive of my life. Long and straight as an arrow,” the priest replied. 

“Well surely there was no cause to blaspheme then?” the Bishop said with a frown. 

“Well no,” the priest said, “but as it flew down the fairway it hit an overhead wire and dropped down only a hundred yards away.”

“Ah,” said the Bishop. “So that’s when you blasphemed.”

“No, Your Grace,” the priest said. “You see, when it hit the ground a gopher popped up, grabbed the ball and started running away with it toward the woods.”

“Oh, so that’s what made you curse,” the Bishop said with a nod. 

“No, Your Grace, because just as he was about to get to the woods a great owl swooped down and grabbed him in his talons and started to fly away.”

“Okay, so that is when you used a profanity,” the Bishop said. 

“No sir – you see, as the owl flew off with the gopher, the gopher dropped the ball from the sky and it landed on the green and rolled to just two feet away from the hole.”

The Bishop looked at the priest searchingly and said, “You missed the make the beast with two backsing putt, didn’t you?”

[ducpainter]

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, he told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy Moley, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day; you'll never believe what happened to me this morning.
My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.