DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

xThere was an elderly couple who  noticed they were getting a lot more forgetful so they decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.

They went home and the old lady asked  her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said.

Her husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."
She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.

“Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."

Then the old lady said she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband
and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

Then he went  to get the ice cream and spent an unusually long time in the kitchen.

When he came out, he walked over to his wife and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment, then looked at her husband and said, “You forgot the toast.”

[ducpainter]

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me are."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[Speedbag]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

A 95 year old man and his 94 year old wife went to see lawyer about a divorce. 

The lawyer asked them when they got married.

"I was 19”, said the man.

"That means you've been married for 75 years at least" the lawyer pointed out

"Yes. And all of it misery,” said the woman.

"Really? When did you start to regret the marriage?"

"Almost immediately, " said the man. "I hated her after about five years, and every year it gets worse. Everything about her is obnoxious and irritating."

"Oh lord, " said the woman, "I lasted three years but after that tolerating him in any way has been a huge problem. He has awful habits and treats me like trash."

The lawyer thought for a moment.

"Well, I can help you get divorced, but why did you wait so long to apply for one if you've hated each other the whole time?"

She said: "We were waiting for the children to die"

[ducpainter]

 

[Speedbag]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked on the door.  A boy about 9 opened the door.

"Is your Dad or Mom home?" asked the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" 

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.

The young boy finally said, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. If that’s not why you’re here, I can give Mom or Dad a message."

"Well…”The farmer looked extremely uncomfortable. “I need to talk to your Dad about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Susie pregnant."

The boy tilted his head to the side and thought about that for a moment. then he said, “You WILL have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for our bulls to service other folks' cows and he charges $15 for our boars to service other folks' sows, but have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

Howie will appreciate this one!

In a small town in New England a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and the church shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.  The squirrels took an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the it and let the squirrels drown themselves.

The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutherans decided they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures, so they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church.

Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around the church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning.

Unfortunately they soon learned how much damage a band of drunken squirrels can do.

The Catholics came up with a much more creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel they could catch, circumcised it and haven’t seen a squirrel since.

[ducpainter]

 

[Howie]

Are you suggesting I go to Mohel School and learn how to circumcise squirrels

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

Are you suggesting I go to Mohel School and learn how to circumcise squirrels

I mean, if that solves the problem...

[Randimus Maximus]

A family brought their elderly mother to a nursing home. After she was settled in in the family left, nurses bathed her and sat her in a chair by a window.
After a while, the woman slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two nurses immediately straightened her up. Then the woman started to tilt to the other side.

The nurses again rushed back to put her upright. This went on all day.

The next morning the family came by and asked her, “Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," the old woman replied, “except they won't let me fart."