DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

Bob had a parrot.

The bird turned mean and bit at everyone that passed by the T stand.

Bob had enough. He grabbed the bird and with much squawk and bites from the bird Bob reached the kitchen on the way to the back door.

The bird was getting the best of Bob. So in desperation Bob stuffed the bird in the freezer. The noise was terrible.

Then the noise stopped. Bob looked in the freezer and the bird hopped out and on to Bobs shoulder. The bird swore it would be good forever.

Bob and the bird went back to the other room. The bird leaned over and whispered Bye the way.......Exactly what did that turkey do???

[ungeheuer]

Bob had a parrot.

The bird turned mean and bit at everyone that passed by the T stand.

Bob had enough. He grabbed the bird and with much squawk and bites from the bird Bob reached the kitchen on the way to the back door.

The bird was getting the best of Bob. So in desperation Bob stuffed the bird in the freezer. The noise was terrible.

Then the noise stopped. Bob looked in the freezer and the bird hopped out and on to Bobs shoulder. The bird swore it would be good forever.

Bob and the bird went back to the other room. The bird leaned over and whispered Bye the way.......Exactly what did that turkey do???

We're currently looking after a friend's African Grey Parrot.  He talks.  Sounds amazingly just like his owner.   Whenever I cook chicken I make a point of telling the parrot that this is what happens to birds who never said "G'Day mate".

He now says "G'Day mate" and "who's a stinky Galah" in a voice just like mine.  My little gift to his English owner 

[Jaman]

 

[Jaman]

Guy driving along a country highway at 70, sees a chicken running alongside keeping up, crazily enough, the chicken has 3 legs!

He punches it to 85, chicken stays with him, then it cuts off down a country road, guy turns around to follow, pulls into driveway of a farm, sees a farmer:

"Did you see a three legged chicken speed in here?"

"Yeah, that's one of mine. I breed them that way cuz me, my wife, and my son, we all love drumsticks."

"Wow, that's amazing!  How do they taste?"

"Donno" says the farmer, "Never caught one before"

[Randimus Maximus]

Callie was was a prostitute, but she’d managed to keep kept it a secret from her family and especially her grandmother, who she loved very much.

One day the police raided the brothel where she worked, took all the girls outside and made them line up on the sidewalk.

Shortly afterwards Callie’s grandma came by, saw her standing in the line, went over and asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Still unwilling to let her grandma know the truth, Callie told her the police were passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some.

“Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A cop was going down the line collecting the personal information of all the prostitutes.

When he got to grandma, he was shocked and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it, old girl?"

Grandma smiled and replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

[DarkMonster620]

Callie was was a prostitute, but she’d managed to keep kept it a secret from her family and especially her grandmother, who she loved very much.

One day the police raided the brothel where she worked, took all the girls outside and made them line up on the sidewalk.

Shortly afterwards Callie’s grandma came by, saw her standing in the line, went over and asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Still unwilling to let her grandma know the truth, Callie told her the police were passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some.

“Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A cop was going down the line collecting the personal information of all the prostitutes.

When he got to grandma, he was shocked and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it, old girl?"

Grandma smiled and replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

[DarkMonster620]

Guy driving along a country highway at 70, sees a chicken running alongside keeping up, crazily enough, the chicken has 3 legs!

He punches it to 85, chicken stays with him, then it cuts off down a country road, guy turns around to follow, pulls into driveway of a farm, sees a farmer:

"Did you see a three legged chicken speed in here?"

"Yeah, that's one of mine. I breed them that way cuz me, my wife, and my son, we all love drumsticks."

"Wow, that's amazing!  How do they taste?"

"Donno" says the farmer, "Never caught one before"

[Randimus Maximus]

A Chinese doctor couldn’t find a job in America  so he opened his own clinic.

Six months later, a lawyer walked by the clinic and notice the sign outside that read:

TREATMENT COST $20
IF WE CAN'T CURE YOU
YOU GET $100 BACK

The lawyer thought this was a great opportunity to earn $100 and went in. The doctor walked right up to him and asked, “What seem to be problem?"

“I’ve lost my sense of taste,” the lawyer, replied.

Doctor: "Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 14 and put three drops on his tongue."

The nurse fetched the medicine, walked over to the lawyer and said, "Open your mouth nice and wide for me, sir."

When the drops of medicine hit his tongue, the lawyer coughed and sputtered.

Lawyer: "That's not medicine, it's kerosene!"

Doctor: "Congrats, your taste restored. $20 please."

Annoyed, the lawyer pays the doctor and left. Still determined to get the $100, he came back a few days later and the doctor said, “Back again?"

Lawyer: "I'm sorry, have we met before? You see, I've lost my memory."

Doctor: "Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 14 and put three drops on his tongue."

Nurse: "Open wide and say ahh for me."

When the drops of medicine hit his tongue, the lawyer coughed and sputtered.

Lawyer: "More kerosene? You gave me this last time for restoring my taste!”

Doctor: "Congrats, your memory back. $20 please."

Fuming, the lawyer paid the doctor $20, left and waited a whole week before returning.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak. I think I'm going blind."

Doctor: "Sadly, I have no medicine for that, so I give you $100."

The lawyer stared at the bill.

Lawyer: "But this is $20, not $100!”

Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight restored. $20 please.

[Randimus Maximus]

And one for our Aussie friend...

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.

He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.

He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"

The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."

[DarkMonster620]

x2 

[ungeheuer]

And one for our Aussie friend...

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.

He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.

He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"

The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."

I don't get it 

[ducpainter]

I don't get it 
American say to die... Aussie hears today.

[Howie]

I don't get it 
American say to die... Aussie hears today.

An attempt to make fun of the Aussie accent when saying words like today.

[ungeheuer]

An attempt to make fun of the Aussie accent when saying words like today.

I don't get it 
American say to die... Aussie hears today.

 

[ducpainter]

Separated by a common language.