DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

Well bugger.

Do I need to vet them from now on?

[Randimus Maximus]

He gently slid her panties to one side...

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‘

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...so the rest of her socks would fit in the drawer.

[ducpainter]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

Following the funeral, the clergyman approached the elderly farmer and inquired why he nodded in accord with the women but consistently shook his head in disagreement with the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[Randimus Maximus]

A guy went to a costume party wearing only jockey shorts.

The host asked, "What are you supposed to be?"

The guy replied "I'm a premature ejaculation – I just came in my underwear."

[ungeheuer]

A guy went to a costume party wearing only jockey shorts.

The host asked, "What are you supposed to be?"

The guy replied "I'm a premature ejaculation – I just came in my underwear."

[Randimus Maximus]

A guy was talking to a lovely young woman and things seemed to be going really well.

Then she said "There's something I want to get out of the way right now," and she reached up and took a wig off her head.

She was as bald as a new-laid egg.

“Alopecia," she said. "It's a condition that causes hair to fall out."

"Oh," he said. “Just on your head, or everywhere else as well?"

"Well," she smiled, "there's only one way to find out."

"Of course!" he said, took out his phone and said, “Hey, Google..."

[ducpainter]

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knifepoint asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
Man started sobbing and said, “Brother, you take anything you want but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You really love your wife!!”
Man: No, she is my neighbor’s wife. Mine will arrive shortly.

[ducpainter]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!" 😂

[Randimus Maximus]

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knifepoint asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
Man started sobbing and said, “Brother, you take anything you want but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You really love your wife!!”
Man: No, she is my neighbor’s wife. Mine will arrive shortly.

 

[Randimus Maximus]

Three women, a German, a Japanese, and an American hillbilly. were sitting in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. "That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The hillbilly stared right back at them and said, “Well, will you look at that – I'm getting a fax!”

[ducpainter]

 

Three women, a German, a Japanese, and an American hillbilly. were sitting in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. "That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The hillbilly stared right back at them and said, “Well, will you look at that – I'm getting a fax!”

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

The day after his mother-in-law disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your mother-in-law," said one of the officers.

Tell me! Did you find her?” Cedric Flynn asked.

The Mounties looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your mother-in-law's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jaysus!" exclaimed Flynn. "What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters you could ever hope to see clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

[ducpainter]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

There was once a man who got a divorce and there was a very good reason for it.

He woke up on the morning of his birthday and went downstairs for breakfast. He ate his breakfast, grabbed his packed lunch and coffee, grabbed his car keys, and took off to work. He was absolutely crushed, however, that neither his wife nor any of his kids said happy birthday to him.

He arrived at work and the receptionist greeted him with a good morning, but again, no happy birthday.

He walked past the mail deliverer, and several cubicles with co-workers, and got a few good mornings  but not a single happy birthday.

Feeling quite low, he sat down and started working. Later in the morning, his phone rang. It was his boss asking him to come to her office. He sighed, thinking “What’s this about?" and set off for her office. He went in and the first thing she said was "Happy Birthday!" which surprised him and lifted his spirits.

She then asked him if he'd like to go to lunch. He accepted, and the two of them went to get something to eat. Once they finished, she asked him if he'd like to come to her place. A little confused about this offer, he thought about it for a moment, then agreed reluctantly.

They got to her house and went in. She brought him to the living room and told him to sit down while she goes to change into something more comfortable.

She disappeared down the hallway, and shortly later, came back with a cake and a big banner that said Happy Birthday! and was accompanied by all of his co-workers, his wife and kids…and there he was, sitting on the sofa stark naked.