DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life – that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

He was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he’s ever seen rowed up to shore. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replied, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?” said the woman. "I made itvout of some raw material I found mon the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?" the man asked.

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a kiln I fashioned from rock it melted into ductile iron. I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy was stunned.

“Let's row over to my place," she said. “'ll give you a tour."

After a short ride she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to shore he nearly fell off the boat. Before him was a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a tree house.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope the man, dumbstruck, just stared.

As they walked into the house she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down. Would you like a drink?"

No! No thank you!” the man blurted, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice.”

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winked the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

He accepted and when she returned with the drinks they sat on couch  and shared their survival stories.  Then the woman said, “I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”

No longer questioning anything, the man went upstairs to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he thought. "What's next?"

When he returned she greeted him wearing nothing but some small fragrant flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, and then beckoned him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began, “we’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?”

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You mean,” he answered excitedly as tears started to form in his eyes, “you built a golf course, too?”

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Blackout]

  you guys are killin me.

[ducpainter]

Good one, Randy.

[ducpainter]

An old country preacher had a teenage son. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't know what he wanted to do in life, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible....2. A silver dollar. 3. A bottle of whisky. 4. And a Playboy magazine. He was thinking “If he picks up the Bible, he’ll be a preacher too. If he picks up the silver dollar a banker, If the bottle of whisky a drunken bum, and the Playboy a no-good womanizer.”

The boy came in and tucked the Bible under his arm. Then took the silver dollar and put it in his pocket. He took a nip of whiskey and checked out the centerfold.

The preacher said. Oh No he’s running for Congress!

[Randimus Maximus]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

Three handsome male dogs were  walking down the street when they saw a beautiful, enticing female poodle. They fell all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but ended up arriving in front of her all at the same time.

The males were speechless before her beauty, hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decided to be kind and told  them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab spoke  up quickly and said, “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurted the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turned to the last of the three and said, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big on finesse, was the chihuahua.

He gave her a smile, a sly wink, turned to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and said, “Liver alone, cheese mine."

[Randimus Maximus]

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message.

She wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

Her husband texted back: “I'm on the toilet, please advise.”

[ducpainter]

 

[ducpainter]

THE BLACK BRA, as told by a married woman;
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,..
" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[Randimus Maximus]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

At a crowded Manhattan bus stop beautiful young woman in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket was waiting for the bus.

When it was her turn to get on she discovered that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed, with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

Just then a big Texan behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

The woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching, "How dare you touch my body!! don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends."

[ducpainter]

 

[DarkMonster620]

 

[kopfjäger]