DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[Randimus Maximus]

A lawyer dies and and somehow managed to go to heaven.

When he got there he was greeted by St. Peter.

The lawyer said, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter said, "Nope, by our records, you’re 84and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yelled, "84! How did you figure that?"

St. Peter smiled and said, “We added up your client billing time sheets.”

[ducpainter]

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.
In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.
Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied,
"If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

[ducpainter]

Many years ago my wife and I were living in a small duplex. We had one bedroom and had to walk through the living area, the kitchen and a walk through closet to get to the bathroom. My brother and his girlfriend came to visit for a few days and they slept on an inflatable mattress on the living room floor.

One night I got up to go the bathroom and had to walk carefully through the living room so as not to disturb our guests. My brother's girlfriend was topless and partially uncovered.

When I climbed back into bed my wife stirred and asked “Did you have a good look?” I tried, innocently, “I just went to the bathroom”. “Yes” she said, “but you came back for your glasses.”

[kopfjäger]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute. I have to go pee."

The teacher responded, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."

"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said, “I would say “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine to whom I hope to introduce you after dinner.”

[Randimus Maximus]

What is an army of babies called?

An infantry.

[Randimus Maximus]

11 people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter – 10 men and 1 woman.

The rope wasn’t strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to or they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said the she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

[ducpainter]

 

[ducpainter]

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25-year-old.
Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms,
Because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected ‘knock’ on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action…
They unite as one.
All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Wally.
Again he is ready for more ‘action.’
Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more frantic coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond
goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it…..
Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action.’
And, once again they enjoy each other in the way only two people in the first flush of lust can…
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,
‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.’
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says:
‘You mean I’ve been here already?’

[Randimus Maximus]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

I hope this one passes the OZ test...

A gecko was walking through the Australian bush heading toward the river for a drink.

On his walk he came across a koala sitting in a gum tree and smoking a joint and stopped for a chat.

"G'day, mate. What are you doing?"

The koala replied, "Smoking a joint, come up and join me. It's bloody good gear!"

So the gecko climbed up, sat next to the koala and they shared a joint.

After a while the gecko said his mouth was dry and he was going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank the gecko was so stoned he leaned too far over and fell in.

The current was quite strong and he started to float away.

A crocodile saw this, swam over to the stoned gecko and helped him back to shore.

He then asked the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The gecko explained that he was sitting in a tree smoking a joint with his new koala friend, his mouth got dry and he was so wasted that when he went to get a drink from the river he fell in.

The crocodile wanted to check out the stoned koala for himself, walked into the bush and found the koala sitting in the fork of a gum tree, just finishing a joint.

The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey, Koala, you got any more of that grass?"

The koala looked down and said, "FUUUCK DUDE...how much water did you drink?"

[ducpainter]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery. 

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.

A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.”

[ducpainter]