DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer and threw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, but as he was he kept swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper said, “Yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

"Well, circle flies are common on farms,” replied the farmer. “They’re called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stopped and said, "Hey...wait a minute, are you calling me a horse's ass?”

“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass,” replied the farmer.

The trooper said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went on writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer said, "Can’t fool those circle flies, though."

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS ABBOT TO BUY A COMPUTER

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
 
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
 
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

[Randimus Maximus]

An obese man was tired of being overweight.

He tried everything to lose weight but nothing worked.

He eventually became suicidal and went a friend’s house and told him he wanted to kill himself.

His friend said, “Wait! I know a clinic that will 100% help you lose weight.”

The obese man had nothing to lose so he gave it a shot and went to the clinic.

At the front desk, the women said they had 2 weight loss options:
Option 1: lose 50 pounds $500
Option 2: lose 100 pounds $1,000

The man wanted to try it out first to see if it worked so he went with the 50 pound option.

The woman took him to a dark room and told him to strip.

When he took all his clothes off they turned the lights on and in front of him were 3 naked women, each one with a sign that read, “If you catch me you can make the beast with two backs me.”

The man got excited and said, “make the beast with two backs this, I’m going with the 100 pound option.”

He got dressed, went back to the front desk and asked the women to change him to the 100 pound option.

The women said, “Are you sure?” and he nodded.

Again she took him to a dark room and told him to strip.

When he was naked and the lights came on there was a gorilla with a sign that said, “If I catch you I get to make the beast with two backs you.”

[Randimus Maximus]

A woman whose dog was a female and in heat agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.  She had a large house and believed she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, which frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do, although it was late she called the vet.

He answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

“Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

[ducpainter]

A Male mosquito to its wife: Darling I will hunt a Lion for you.

Female mosquito: Ok fine, now go to sleep.

Male mosquito: I will bite an elephant and bring his blood for you.

Female mosquito: Sure love, go to sleep.

Male mosquito: I will drive you around Paris in a Mercedes.

Female mosquito: Hmmmmmm... ok, go to sleep...

Male mosquito: You don't trust me? I will get you a 100 gms Gold chain....

Female mosquito: You idiôt go to sleep...

Male mosquito: Honey I'll do anything for you.

Female mosquito: You silly @#$#@$.. how many times have I told you not to come home after biting a politician.

[Randimus Maximus]

Years ago the King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace. "I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.
They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they were shocked. A giant room ran as far as the eye could see. The floor was carpeted with thick, beautiful rugs. Pillars of marble rose to a roof far, far above them. Chandeliers shimmering with crystal hung from the ceiling. Sitting on plush velvet thrones were thousands of exotic dogs of every breed. Servants rushed to and fro, bearing gold platters laden with delicacies. In one corner, a 40 piece orchestra stood, playing the most amazing music.

The President recovered first. "Alright, this place is pretty big. But the White House must be nearly double the size."

The Queen sniffed. "Oh, if you care about size then fine. But one does prefer the decor at Buckingham Palace."

The Royal Guide of Wakanda turned around impatiently. "Do hurry. Surely you didn't travel all this way just to see our kennels?"

[Howie]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80,

and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,

explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's,

then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's,

and a preacher when in her 60's,

and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[Randimus Maximus]

Charles, Angus and Patrick were in a helicopter when the pilot informed them they were losing altitude. Desperately, they needed to throw out what they had with them.

Charles threw out his teapot, Angus threw out his bagpipes and Patrick throws out a bomb.

The helicopter recovered and they landed safely.

When Charles got home he found his father in the garden crying. When he asked him what was wrong  father replied, "A teapot fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".

When Angus got home he too found his father in the garden crying. When he asked him what what’s wrong his father replied,  "A set of bagpipes fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her.”

When Patrick got home he found his father in the garden laughing uncontrollably. When he asked him what happened, his father replied, “As I bent over to tie my shoe I farted and next doors' house blew up!"

[ducpainter]

An engineer dies in a car wreck and goes to the pearly gates. St. Peter looks through his book and tells the man, “Sorry, I don’t see your name here at all. You gotta go to the other place.

The man goes to Hell and looks around at the shape it’s in, and being an engineer, goes to work. Before long the AC is working great keeping all the buildings cool, the buildings are all up to code, the parks are green and growing greener because he fixed the plumbing systems, the streets are getting repaved, and things are getting comfortable.

Meanwhile God is wondering where the engineer he ordered is, so he asks St. Peter about it, and St. Peter tells him that the man’s name wasn’t in the book so he sent him to Hell.

God goes to Hell and pounds on the door. Satan answers and God tells him, “You have my engineer. I want him.
Satan says, “Can’t have him.”
God says, “ I want my engineer. Give him to me now!”
Satan says, “Nope. He’s mine.”
God says, “I’ll sue you!”

Satan laughs, crosses his arms over his chest, leans against the door jamb and says, “Where are you gonna find a lawyer?”

[Randimus Maximus]

There were two avid sailors who were proud of their well-kept boats (the "Tuning Fork" and the "Robert Frost", respectively). In all ways they were evenly matched as able sailors except when it came to braiding rope.

Not that the Tuning Fork’s captain’s braids were deficient, but the other had a flair when it came to braiding and couldn't help but show off his fancy skills.

It just so happened that both boats needed new anchors lines at the same time.

The first sailor tied an adequate braid into the rope to secure his boat's anchor while the other couldn't help but make his a tad fancy with decorative tassels woven here and there in the braid.

All was well until a powerful storm swept through the bay.

The tassels, it turned out, were detrimentally weakened by salt water and the braid failed.

The Robert Frost broke free of its mooring and was battered to pieces against the shore by the heavy surf.

The moral of the story?

When given a choice between two ropes, always choose the rope less tasseled.

[ducpainter]

An American, a Canadian, a Mexican, and an Irishman walk into a pub. The bartender asks what they're drinking.

The American says, “I'll have a classic American Budweiser, the King of Beers!”

The Canadian says, “I'll have a Molson Ice in honor of the Great White North!”

The Mexican says, “I'll have a Corona, the pride of Mexico!”

The Irishman pauses to consider for a second and then says, “I'll have a Coke.”

The American is surprised and asks the Irishman, “What do you mean, you'll have a Coke? You're Irish, I thought you guys loved to drink!”

The Irishman responds, “Listen, if you guys ain't drinkin’ beer, then neither am I.”

[ungeheuer]

An American, a Canadian, a Mexican, and an Irishman walk into a pub. The bartender asks what they're drinking.

The American says, “I'll have a classic American Budweiser, the King of Beers!”

The Canadian says, “I'll have a Molson Ice in honor of the Great White North!”

The Mexican says, “I'll have a Corona, the pride of Mexico!”

The Irishman pauses to consider for a second and then says, “I'll have a Coke.”

The American is surprised and asks the Irishman, “What do you mean, you'll have a Coke? You're Irish, I thought you guys loved to drink!”

The Irishman responds, “Listen, if you guys ain't drinkin’ beer, then neither am I.”

[kopfjäger]

 

[ducpainter]

A man had just finished reading a new book called, 'HOW YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR OWN HOME AGAIN "
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly,
"Firstly - From now on, YOU need to understand that I AM the MAN of this house, and simply accept that what I say goes!"
"Secondly - You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward."
"Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me to our bedroom where we will indulge in whatever forms of lovemaking that I choose - no matter what you might have said in the past."
"After that, you are going to draw me a warm bath so that I can relax."
"You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe."
"Then you will massage my feet and hands."
"Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied...
”The funeral director would be my guess."