DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

On a flight from Dublin, Ireland to Boston, the chief flight attendant made an announcement:

“Due to a terrible mistake by the airline's caterer, there are only 80 dinners instead of the 225 required to feed all the passengers on board. To ameliorate the situation we are offering unlimited drinks to anybody willing to give up their meal.”

Two hours before landing, another announcement was made:

“There are still 60 meals available if anyone is hungry.”

[ducpainter]

In the early days of mixed play, an English couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off.
The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee first and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
“Allo! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!”
The Brit immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Paul, here’s pounds 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”
Next the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
“Bejesus woman! You’ve no knickers! Why not?” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me!”
He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Patrick, here’s 20 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”
Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
“Hoot mon woman! Why d’ye have nae knickers?” She too explains, “You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!”
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here’s a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit.”

[Randimus Maximus]

   

[Randimus Maximus]

A woman walked into an accountant’s office and told him she needed to file her taxes.

The accountant said, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He got her name, address etc.,  then asked, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she said.

The accountant, somewhat taken aback, said, “Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman said, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl.”

"No, that still won't work. Try again,” replied the accountant.

The woman thought for a moment and said, "I'm an elite poultry farmer."

The accountant asked, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"I raised a thousand cocks last year,” the woman said.

“All righty then,“ replied the accountant. “Poultry farmer it is."

[Randimus Maximus]

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news The donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece, less the $100 I gave you and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

[ducpainter]

  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A guy walks into a bar carrying a small monkey under his arm. He goes up to the bar, orders a pint, then puts the monkey down. And the monkey is off! Jumping onto all the tables and eating everything it can find. Then suddenly it jumps up onto the pool table, picks up the cue ball, opens his mouth wide and swallows it down. The barman says to the guy ‘did you see that?’ and the guy says ‘no what?’ The barman says ‘your monkey was just running around the room eating stuff off all the tables and then he jumped up onto the pool table and swallowed the cue ball down!’ The guy says sorry and that he always eats everything, offers to pay for the cue ball and then picks up his monkey and leaves.

Two weeks later the same guy goes into the bar, carrying the same money, and sits down at the bar. He orders another beer and puts the monkey down. And he off again! Jumping up onto all the tables looking for food when suddenly he jumps up onto the bar, picks an olive out of a bowl, shoves it up it’s arse, takes it out again and then eats it! The barman says to the guy ‘Did you see that?’ and the guy replies ‘no what?’ The barman tells him that his monkey was running all over the pub looking for food, and then jumped up onto the bar, took an olive out of the bowl, shoved it up it’s arse, then took it out again and ate it. The guy just chuckles to himself and says ‘Yeah sorry. He still eats everything he can, but since swallowing your cue ball two weeks ago, he now measures everything first!

[Randimus Maximus]

 

[ducpainter]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he

asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money

from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a

'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing

community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank

you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to

pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from

you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Congress

was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen

Members of Congress lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between

the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[Randimus Maximus]

Mark the banker ran into his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a mail order bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true.

Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-seven November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Bob should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its course.

Bob thought this was a good idea and said he would start looking for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Bob in town again. “How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Bob proudly said, "Good! She's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Bob smiled broadly and replied, "Oh, she’s  pregnant too."

[Randimus Maximus]

A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home.

As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn’t help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.

“Tennis ball,” the man said, noticing her looking.

“Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!”

[ducpainter]

Mark the banker ran into his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a mail order bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true.

Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-seven November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Bob should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its course.

Bob thought this was a good idea and said he would start looking for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Bob in town again. “How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Bob proudly said, "Good! She's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Bob smiled broadly and replied, "Oh, she’s  pregnant too."

 

[ducpainter]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this : When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.

“CASE DISMISSED !!"

[Randimus Maximus]

Conor had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

At Yankee Stadium he watched as a man swung a stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag down the line.

Everyone stood up and yelled, “Run, run!"

Then a second guy came up to the plate, whacked the ball and started down toward the line.

Everyone stood up again and yelled, “Run, run!

A third batter came up, but this one didn't hit the ball. He didn't even swing. Four times the pitcher pitched. Four times the catcher caught. Conor was completely confused when the batter dropped the stick and started strolling toward the white bag.

“Run, run!" Conor shouted.

"No, he doesn't have to run' his cousin told him. "He's got four balls."

Conor’s eyes widened and he stood up, shouting, “Walk with pride, man!” Walk with pride!"

[kopfjäger]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

A man made a $500 bet with his boss that he could lick his eyeball.

Laughing, the boss agreed.

The man took out his glass eye and licked it.

The boss angrily gave  him the $500.

The man then bet $500 he could bite his own ears.

The boss pulled his ears to check if the man was wearing fake ones, then agreed.

The man took out his false teeth and bit his ears with them.

Angry all over again, the boss gave him his $500 and told him to go away.

The next day, the man came back.

Boss: What now? Didn’t you take enough money from me?

Man: Trust me. This one should be easy. I’ll bet all the money in your wallet that you’re wearing purple underwear.

Boss: Haha! My underwear is black!

Man: May I see some proof?

The boss went to the lav and came back with his black underwear in his hand.

The man cheerfully handed over $1,000 to the boss.

Boss: Why are you so happy?

Man: Look around you. All around the glass walls your 43 employees are watching.

Boss: And?

Man: I bet each of them $500 that I could make you take off your underwear.