DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

[Randimus Maximus]

A woman called a bakery and ordered a cake with 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I SUCK COCKS' written on it.

The owner thought it was weird but made it anyway.

Mrs. Cox was absolutely furious when it was delivered.

So was her son, Isaac.

[kopfjäger]

 

[ducpainter]

 

[ducpainter]

My neighbor just ran over here crying hysterically. I said, “Oh my, what’s wrong?” He said he just got a call from his doctor with his medical test results. The doctor told him, “Well, I have bad news, and then I have worse news.” My neighbor said, “Oh my God, that sounds terrible! What’s the bad news?” The doctor replied, “your test results came back and said you only have 24 hours to live.” My neighbor broke down crying and said, “That’s horrible!! What could possibly be worse news than that!?” The doctor responded, “I was supposed to call you yesterday.”

[Randimus Maximus]

A man walked into a department store and said to a saleswoman, "I’d like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B." 

With a quizzical look the woman  asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated,  “A Baptist bra, she said to tell you she wanted a Baptist bra, and you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember!" said the saleswoman. “We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers now l want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra or the Presbyterian type."

Confused as well as a little flustered, the man asked, "What are the differences?"

The saleswoman said, "It's all quite simple: A Catholic bra supports the masses.  The Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen.  The Presbyterian bra keeps things staunch and upright. And the Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills."

[ducpainter]

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".

[kopfjäger]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

A man was driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road.

As they passed each other the woman leaned out the window and yelled “PIG!"

The man immediately leaned out of his window and replied, ” pregnant dog!"

They each continued on their separate ways and as the man rounded the next corner he crashed into a pig in the middle of the road.

[ducpainter]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester, just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs

She is intrigued but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third-floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good-looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking, and Help With Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

[kopfjäger]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher.

She was going around in turn asking them questions about animal sounds.

"Davy, what noise does a cow make?”

"It goes moo. "

"Alice, what noise does a cat make?

"It goes meow."

“Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?

"It goes baaa.”

"Jenny, what sound does a mouse make? "

"It goes click! "

[ducpainter]

One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle.

He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness, I will grant you a wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said,

"So, do you want two lanes or four?"

[Randimus Maximus]

A moth walked into a bar and  the bartender said cheerfully, “Hey moth, how about a whiskey?”

The moth said no.

“How about a beer?” the bartender asked happily.

“No,” the moth said.

“Okay,” the bartender said testily, “how about wine?”

“No.”

“Shots?”

“No.”

“IZ_ navel?”

“No.”

“Well what the hell do you want to drink?“ the bartender said.

“Nothing,” said the moth.

“Well if you don’t want a drink why the hell did you come in here?” demanded the bartender.

The moth said, “Well, the light was on.”

[Randimus Maximus]

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”