DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

OK... that's funny.

[Randimus Maximus]

A man arrived home early from work and caught his sexy young wife in bed with another man.

The dishonored husband challenged the other man to an old-fashioned duel using his pistols, announcing angrily, "Whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other gets her.”

The other man agreed to the duel. They went into another room so the woman didn't have to see what was sure to end in a bloody mess.

Once in the other room the husband turned to the man and said, "Neither of us should have to die. We'll both fire a shot in the air & lie on the floor as if we're dead. When she sees our bodies on the floor she’ll go to the one she really loves. Whoever she chooses can have her.”

The other man agreed it was good neither of them would have to die. So they each walked off ten paces, fired bullets into the air and collapsed to the floor.

After hearing the shots the wife threw the door open, looked down at the two men momentarily,  walked out of the room and yelled, "Darling, you can come out now, they're both dead!”

[Randimus Maximus]

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant.

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files.

But still the firefighters could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort the like of which had never seen before.

Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said Declan, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."

[Randimus Maximus]

God woke up with a hangover. He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door..

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

Wha...?" God mumbled blearily.

The angel held up a clipboard. "This majestic creature You deemed "ferret!" It's as if a rodent became a dog!" He manifested one for the Lord to behold. "So cute!”

God groaned. Anxious, the angel disintegrated the ferret and hastily flipped the page.

“This one was graced with the name 'kangaroo,' and look here –You put a little pocket on its belly so it could hold its baby on the outside!" the angel smiled.

God grunted and snatched the clipboard, flipping several pages before stopping suddenly. “And what in My name do We have here...?" He exclaimed.

The angel glanced over his shoulder. "Oh, um...." He shuffled uncomfortably. "This was just before You passed out, and we were worried You'd be upset about its creation. But You seemed to like it! You were very adamant about naming it…”

"I WASN'T NAMING IT!" God bellowed in disgust. "I saw a duck make the beast with two backsing a beaver and I told it to stop!”

The angel's eyes widened. "OHH, that makes much more sense now," he said, glancing at the clipboard. "All You kept shouting was 'pull outta puss, pull outta puss....'"

[ducpainter]

Three blonds were out for a walk. The first blond points and says " Those are deer tracks."

The second blond said, "You're wrong. Those are moose tracks."

The third blond says," You're both wrong. Those are bear tracks."

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[ducpainter]

A lawyer pulls up on the roadside outside his office to make sure the staff all get a good look at his new silver Porsche. A truck rolls down the hill as he is getting out and tears the whole side and door off the car also tearing off the lower portion of his arm. Paramedics are quickly on scene :

Lawyer : My God , look - my beautiful Porsche ! destroyed ! Cost me a fortune - just look at it !

Paramedic : FFS you lawyers are all the same , money, money , money. Just look at your arm!

Lawyer : AAArgh! My new ROLEX !

[Randimus Maximus]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

An Englishman was touring the US on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada.

He was chatting with the barman when he spotted an old native American sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits and a wrinkled face.

“Who’s that?” asked the man. 

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the barman. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.”

So the Englishman went over, and thinking the old man won’t know about English football, asked “Who won the 1980 FA Cup Final?” 

“West Ham,” replied the Memory Man. 

“Who did they beat?” asked the Englishman.

“Arsenal,” was the reply.

“And the score?” 

“1-0” replied the Memory Man.

“Who scored the winning goal?” 

“Trevor Brooking,” the old man said.

The tourist was bowled over by this and when he returned home told everyone back in England about the Memory Man.

A few years later he went back to the US on holiday went to find the impressive Memory Man again.

When he got to the bar, sitting in the corner was the  Memory Man, even older and more wrinkled.

The Englishman man decided to greet the memory man in his native tongue so he walked over and said, “How!”

The Memory Man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box.”

[ducpainter]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

A 70-year-old woman was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship and using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away.

A gentleman walked over to the woman and said, “Ma'am, I’m sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up.”

The woman replied, “Sir, if I take my hands off of my hat it will blow away.”

"I understand, ma'am, but you aren't wearing any panties,” he replied.

The woman looked down, then back up at him and said, “Sir, anything you see down there is 70 years old. I bought this hat yesterday."

[Randimus Maximus]

A guy took his 8-year old daughter to the office with him on “Take Your Kid to Work Day."

As they were walking around the office she starting crying and getting very cranky, so he asked what was wrong.

As his coworkers gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with?”

[ducpainter]

 

[ducpainter]

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very Attractive Young Woman. She was very upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.

"How dare you do this to me – a Faithful Wife, the Mother of your Children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"

The husband calmly replied, "Hang on just a minute, love. At least let me tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," the Wife Sobbed, "but they will be the last Words you say to me!"

The Husband Began:

"Well, as I was getting into the Car at Work to Drive Home, this Young Lady here asked me for a Lift. She looked so distressed, helpless, and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."

"She was very Thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn't Eaten for Three Days."

"Out of Compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The Poor thing Ate it, Ravenously."

"She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While Showering, I noticed her clothes were Filthy and Threadbare. I threw them away."

"I gave her the Designer Jeans that you’ve had for a Few Years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."

"I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste."

"I gave her the Sexy Blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t Wear just to annoy her. "

"I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."

The husband paused, took a quick breath, and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please Sir... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

[Randimus Maximus]

 

[kopfjäger]