DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150. His parents looked at the truck and his father asked, “Where did you get that truck?”

"I bought it today," answered the boy.

“With what money?" demanded his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," the boy said, "this one cost me just 15 dollars."

The father looked at him like he was crazy. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?"

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name - she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my goodness!" exclaimed his mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go up there and see what's going on."

The boy's father walked up the street to the woman’s house, where she was outside planting flowers.

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asked her why she did it.

"Well," she said, “Two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back."

"Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father said. “But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?"

"Well, this morning he called and said he was stranded because his wallet with all his cash and credit cards was stolen and told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did."

[ducpainter]

A man named James, who was running a charity for his local town noticed that the wealthiest person in town, a successful lawyer, had never donated a cent of money to any charity, so he decided to pay him a visit in his office one day.

“Mr Reynolds”, he asked the lawyer, “I don't want to be judgmental, but I noticed that you're a multi-millionaire, the richest person in town, but you’ve never made any donations to charity. Would you please consider donating some of your money to help those who are less fortunate than yourself?”

Mr Reynolds sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and said indignantly, “listen here, you self-righteous judgmental bastard, are you aware that my mother is developing dementia and needs a full-time carer, which won't be cheap?!”

“No, I didn't realize that”, James replied, lowering his head in shame. “I’m sorry.”

“And are you aware that my wife has an aggressive form of cancer and will die in agony if she does not undergo a very expensive medical procedure?”

“No, I wasn't aware of that”, James responded. “I am so sorry about that and realize that it was presumptuous of me to assume that it was lack of compassion and generosity that was the reason why you haven't…”

“And are you aware that my daughter was recently hit by a car and will require intensive and expensive operations and surgery if she is ever to have anything close to a worthwhile life?”

“No, I didn't. I can't put into words how sorry I am, and how utterly ashamed I am of myself.”

Finally, the lawyer said, “Well, if I’m not going to spend any of my money to help my sick family, what makes you think I’d ever give any to you?!”

[kopfjäger]

 

[ducpainter]

The wife of B. B. King (the famous blues guitarist) wanted to give him an unforgettable present for his birthday. She had a "B" tattooed on each butt cheek.

When B. B. came home she yelled "Happy birthday!", turned around, dropped her pants, and bent over.

B. B. said, "Who is BoB?"

[ducpainter]

I recently spent $9,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow, let alone breed with one.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Concerned, I had the vet come out and take a look at him.

The vet said, "You bull is very healthy, but he seems to be more dud than stud when it comes to his desire to breed with your cows", so he gave me these pills to feed him once per day.

Within a couple days the bull started to service the cows……. all of my cows!

He went so far as break through the fence to my neighbor's pasture and bred with all of his cows too!

He's was like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him, but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[kopfjäger]

The wife of B. B. King (the famous blues guitarist) wanted to give him an unforgettable present for his birthday. She had a "B" tattooed on each butt cheek.

When B. B. came home she yelled "Happy birthday!", turned around, dropped her pants, and bent over.

B. B. said, "Who is BoB?"

 

[Randimus Maximus]

My neighbor Janet stopped by for coffee and told me she got drunk last night and ate some Scrabble tiles just because it seemed like fun.

I looked at her and said, “Are you crazy? Your next poop could spell disaster!”

[Randimus Maximus]

An American history professor decided he wanted a large mural painted in his home. He commissioned a famous artist and explained that he wanted him to paint what he thought General Custer’s last thoughts were during his last stand.

He went on vacation and returned home and found a mural of a large praying heifer with a halo above its head surrounded by many Native Americans in erotic sexual positions.

The professor called the artist and shouted, “Why the make the beast with two backs have you painted pornography on my wall? I wanted your impression of Custer’s last stand!”

“That’s exactly what I did,” the artist replied. “I call it ‘Holy Cow, That’s a Lot of make the beast with two backsing Indians.’”

[ducpainter]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

A kid just finished writing a paper for class.

He typed the title: “1000 Ways To Cure An Itch” to finish it off.

Just as he was about to hit save the screen went black.

He did all he could to get the computer back on so he could save his work.

After a few minutes the boy’s dad walked in and said, “The power went out.”

“What do you mean the power went out?” the boy asked.

The father responded sarcastically, “No juice.“

“I just finished my paper for class and I didn’t get to save it!” exclaimed the boy.

“Which paper?” asked his dad.

“1000 Ways to Cure an Itch,” the boy replied with a frown.

His father smothered a laugh and said, “Well, I guess you’ll have to start again from scratch.”

[ducpainter]

My father was an asshole, too.

[Randimus Maximus]

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his professors at lunch.

The professor looked arrogantly at the student and said, “A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.”

“Then I shall fly on,” answered the student with a smile.

The professor was annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.

At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything.

Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: “You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?”

The student answered “The gold.”

“Unfortunately, I don’t agree,” replied the professor. “I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.”

“Everyone would choose what they don’t have,” answered the student.

The professor turned red and was so angry he wrote “ass” on the student’s paper.

The student left without looking at the paper.

However, he returned shortly, handed back his paper and said, “Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade.”

[ducpainter]

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his professors at lunch.

The professor looked arrogantly at the student and said, “A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.”

“Then I shall fly on,” answered the student with a smile.

The professor was annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.

At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything.

Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: “You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?”

The student answered “The gold.”

“Unfortunately, I don’t agree,” replied the professor. “I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.”

“Everyone would choose what they don’t have,” answered the student.

The professor turned red and was so angry he wrote “ass” on the student’s paper.

The student left without looking at the paper.

However, he returned shortly, handed back his paper and said, “Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade.”

Not really a joke, but it made me chuckle.

[ducpainter]

A man running late for his once in a lifetime dream job interview is frantically trying to find a parking spot in a packed lot...
Time is not on his side, and he starts to panic. In his last ditch attempt, he turns to the skies, and begs: “God, please, help me out here. I’ll do anything… I’ll quit smoking. I’ll stop drinking. I’ll donate money to charity.” As soon as he finishes his plea, the skies open up, and the bright light shines on to an empty parking space. The man holds up his hand, and goes: “Never mind, I found one”.

[kopfjäger]