DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

A newlywed couple went out for a drive in the country.

As they were going along, the woman started getting horny and began flirting with her husband, who was definitely into it.

They both agreed they had to have it RIGHT THEN and they were way out in the middle of nowhere so it seemed safe enough.

The husband pulled the car off the road, parked and started getting into the back seat.

His wife said, “We can’t screw back there! It’s too cramped!”

“You’re right,” he replied, “but I haven’t seen a car from miles…Wanna do it in the road?”

The woman got excited, tore off her clothes and screamed “YEAH!” so they went at it in the middle of the road.

A mile away a trucker in an 18-wheeler was driving along and when he noticed something l in the road he started blasting away on his horn.

As he got closer he realized that it was a young couple, bare-ass naked, screwing their damned brains out in the middle of the road.

He started slowing down and blasting away on the horn but they weren’t moving.

So, still slowing down, he laid on the horn until  the 18-wheeler was just inches from their heads.

The trucker jumped out, ran around to the front and started screaming “YOU IDIOTS! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS? DIDN’T YOU SEE MY TRUCK?! DIDN’T YOU HEAR THE HORN? COULDN’T YOU TELL I WAS COMING?

The husband looked up at the trucker and said “Look, man, I was coming, she was coming, you were coming and you were the only one with brakes.”

[Randimus Maximus]

I had been set up a blind date about a year ago but was worried about what to do if her pic was fake and she was really short & unattractive.

My neighbor told me not to worry because there’s an app for that.

It’s called “Mom, Are You OK?”

You schedule it to ring your phone just after you meet your date.

If you like her you just ignore your phone.

If you want to cut the date short, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

“It works every time,” my neighbor said. “No worries."
 
When the woman knocked on my door I opened it there stood a tall beautiful woman! - absolutely gorgeous! Better looking than her picture.

But just as I was about to invite her in for a pre-date drink, her phone rang, she answered it and said, “Mom?…

[ducpainter]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

Three tortoises, Rod, Roger and Gary, decided to go on a picnic. Rod packed the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.

The picnic site was 10 miles away, so it took them 10 days to get there.

When they got there Rod unpacked the food and beer.

“OK Gary,” said Rod, “give me the bottle opener.”

“I didn’t bring it,” said Gary. "I thought you packed it.”

They both looked at Roger who said, “I didn’t bring it.”

So they were they were, 10 miles from home without a bottle opener.

Rod and Roger begged Gary to go back and get it, but he snorted and said, “Forget it, you’ll eat all  the sandwiches while I’m gone.”

The other two ganged up on them and finally convinced him to go back and get the bottle opener.

Three days went by, then five, then finally a whole week and Rod said, “Screw this, let’s eat the sandwiches.” as Gary crawled out from behind a rock and said, “I knew you’d eat the sandwiches!”

[Howie]

$2.99 SPECIAL

  I love it................................
 
 

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be......

The  2.99 Special



We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.   

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
         
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been  around the block more than once! 
                                                         


 
 
 

[kopfjäger]

 

[DarkMonster620]

 

[Randimus Maximus]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
The bouncer is a blonde girl
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Monsterlover]

🤣🤣🤣

[DarkMonster620]

 

[herm]

How is public speaking like going to a nude beach?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
....
It's only hard at first...

[Monsterlover]

🤣

[Randimus Maximus]

Michael O'Leary, the managing director of Ryanair, arrives in Dublin. He enters a pub and orders a pint of draft Guinness. The bartender nods and says, "That'll be one euro, sir." Surprised, O'Leary replies, "Wow, that's cheap!" and hands over the euro. The bartender smiles and says, "We aim to beat the competition. We're the cheapest brewery in Ireland." "Cheers," O'Leary responds.

Then the bartender notices, "Sir, you don't have a glass. That'll be three euros for one of ours." O'Leary sighs but pays up. He takes his beer and goes to sit down. "Sorry," the bartender adds, "there's a two-euro charge to sit unless you booked online for just one euro."

Annoyed, O'Leary tries to sit but finds the chair too small. "Sir, you're too large for our seats. You'll need an extra spot for four euros," says the bartender.

Frustrated, O'Leary stands up, places his beer on the bar, and shouts, "This is ridiculous! I want to speak to the manager!" "Ah, you've chosen the bar area," the bartender replies politely, "that's two euros more, thank you."

O'Leary turns red with anger. "Do you know who I am?" he yells. "Of course, Mr. O'Leary," replies the bartender.

"I've had enough," says O'Leary angrily. "I came for a quiet drink, and this is how I'm treated? I want to speak to the manager!"

"Certainly, Mr. O'Leary," the bartender says cheerfully. "You can contact him between 9:00 and 9:10 AM every Monday and Tuesday at this number. Calls are free to connect but will cost ten cents per second."

"I'll never come back to this bar!" O'Leary screams. "That's fine, sir, but remember we're the only pub in Ireland selling a pint for one euro."

[Howie]

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub.  There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.  A passer-by stopped and asked him "What are you doing?"
                                    
“Fishing” replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.”

In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking,"So how many have you caught today?”  "You're the 8th" replied the old man.

[Randimus Maximus]