DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.

Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[Randimus Maximus]

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.

His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole.

Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.

"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."

"That's from your grandma," said Josh.

[ducpainter]

A guard in a Russian jail goes to the library and sees an old Jewish political prisoner reading a book.
"What are you reading, old man?" asks the guard.
"I'm learning Hebrew," says the old man.
"Why bother? You'll never get to Israel. You will die here."
"I'm learning Hebrew so when I go to heaven I can speak with Moses and Abraham," replies the old man.
"How do you know you're going to heaven? What happens if you go to hell?" asks the guard.
And the old man says, "No problem. I already speak Russian."

[ducpainter]

A man at a funeral interrupts the priest and says, "Excuse me, do you have the WiFi password?"
The priest stares at him and says, "Good God man, have some decency. This is your mother's funeral!"
And the man says, "Is that all lower case?"

[ducpainter]

A guy decides to go to confession for the first time in many years. He enters the confessional, and there's a shelf with cigars, brandy, and chocolate.
The priest enters the confessional and the guy says, "This is great! Things have changed a lot since the last time I was here."
And the priest says, "Get out of here. You're on the wrong side."

[Randimus Maximus]

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.

Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.

And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...

Don't you just love shopping for shoes?

[Randimus Maximus]

Q: What did the bartender say when a priest, a Boy Scout, and a blonde walked in?

A: "Is this a joke?"

[Randimus Maximus]

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"

To which he replied, "I know — I already got that side."

[ducpainter]

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"

To which he replied, "I know — I already got that side."

Whut?

[Randimus Maximus]

Whut?

Perhaps the mechanic was a blonde?

[Randimus Maximus]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer are sitting in a train carriage together. The train goes into a tunnel and there is complete darkness.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound then the sound of a really hard slap. When the train comes out the tunnel, the Englishman and Claudia are sitting as if nothing happened and the Frenchman is holding the side of his face.

The Frenchman thinks "the Englishman must have tried to kiss Claudia and she missed him and slapped me by mistake".

Claudia thinks to herself, "the Frenchman must have tried to kiss me but accidently kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it".

And the Englishman is thinking "brilliant! In the next tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap the French twat again"!!

[ducpainter]

Little Johnny confidently walks into a pharmacy ...
... and asks the pharmacist for a cõndõm. He explains that he's been invited to his girlfriend's house for dinner and he thinks he might have a chance.

The pharmacist gives him a cõndõm. As he's leaving, Little Johnny returns and asks for another cõndõm because he thinks his girlfriend's sister is cute too and he might have a chance there as well. The pharmacist gives him a second cõndõm.

Little Johnny then asks for one more cõndõm because he thinks his girlfriend's mum is pretty cute and she might be expecting something since she invited him for dinner in the first place.

During dinner, Little Johnny sits with his girlfriend on his left The sister on the right and the mum facing him. When the dad walks in, Johnny lowers his head and starts a long dinner prayer, thanking the Lord for all they've been given. Ten minutes pass and he's still praying, keeping his head down, very close to the table. They all turn to look at each other, surprised.

His girlfriend is shocked, not knowing how religious her boyfriend was. His girlfriend whispers, I didn't know you were so religious. Little Johnny, with his head still at the table, turns slightly and says, I never knew your dad was a pharmacist.

[Kopfjäger]

      

[ducpainter]

     

It's a crazy world we live in.

[DarkMonster620]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer are sitting in a train carriage together. The train goes into a tunnel and there is complete darkness.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound then the sound of a really hard slap. When the train comes out the tunnel, the Englishman and Claudia are sitting as if nothing happened and the Frenchman is holding the side of his face.

The Frenchman thinks "the Englishman must have tried to kiss Claudia and she missed him and slapped me by mistake".

Claudia thinks to herself, "the Frenchman must have tried to kiss me but accidently kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it".

And the Englishman is thinking "brilliant! In the next tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap the French twat again"!!