DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you're bad at haggling, you'll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band 'Duvet'. It's a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend's audiobook, and now I'll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not c? Because you can't see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn't want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, "Oh no, not U2 again."

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it's a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won't lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who's struggling with grammar? There, their, they're.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, "Aisle B, back."

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

[Randimus Maximus]

At NC State University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.

They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.

The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?

[ducpainter]

I've often wondered

what people have

against the horse I

rode in on

[Randimus Maximus]

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

[ducpainter]

An old couple got married just out of high school, but had to travel for work. After fifty years of marriage they returned to their home town. Buying a house in the old neighborhood.
After a few days there, they decided to go and visit their old high school. While walking the grounds they saw an old bench they used to sit at. And there on the bench was a carved heart, and 'Jack loves Nancy' worn but still legible after fifty years.

They walked home holding hands when an armored truck went by, and out of the back fell a bag of money.
Jack wanted to turn it in, but Nancy wanted to keep it, and she took it home.
At home she counted out a million dollars, took it and made Jack stuff it in the attic
The next day Jacks fears came true. Two detectives knocked on their door.

Did you two see a bag fall off an armored truck, they asked?
Oh no! Said Nancy, but Jack was too honest, ' yes ' he said and it's stuck in the attic.
' Don't listen to him' said Nancy ' he has dementia'
The police looked at Jack and asked if he could tell them what happened
'Well 'said Jack ' I was walking Nancy home from school'
The detectives excused themselves and left.

[Randimus Maximus]

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

[Randimus Maximus]

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

[Randimus Maximus]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"

With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

[Randimus Maximus]

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.

"Before you start" the preacher said,"you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is praise the lord and stop is amen."

So the man on the horse says " Praise the lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says "Praise the lord," and the horse starts to gallop.

Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells "Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.

The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the Lord."

[Randimus Maximus]

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

[Randimus Maximus]

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.

The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."

[ducpainter]

A man and wife are about to get married but suddenly smoke and flames fill the church... he passes out and wakes up to find St Peter staring down at him and his betrothed. He looks around and realizes he is at the Pearly gates, his fiance tells him there was a bad fire and they both died.

They talk for a bit and ask St Peter, "we are Catholics and marriage is important to us, so can we get married?" St Peter thinks for a while and says "we normally don't allow that up here but as you died on your wedding day and technically, you are not in heaven yet we will make an exception. Wait here while I find a priest to marry you before entering heaven".

6 weeks later St Peter returns with a Priest. while waiting so long the couple start to talk and think maybe an eternity married might be a long time, so ask St Peter "what if we want a divorce?"

St Peter throws his arms up in the air, and says "it took me 6 weeks to find a Priest up here, how long do you think it'll take to find a lawyer?"

[ducpainter]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of pickpockets. You'll hate it. You're crazy to go to Rome. So how are you getting there?"

"We're flying United" was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the Teste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million renovation and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Royal suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who screwed up your hair?

[ducpainter]

A Parental Dilemma

A woman is cleaning her 12 year-old son's room.
Under the bed she finds a serious cache of bondage gear, and fetish magazines.

Horrified, she tells her husband, and asks him;

"What are we going to do about it?"

He stares straight ahead at the wall and replies;

"I'm no expert, but I wouldn't spank him."

[ducpainter]

A guy decides to sneak out of work early and treat himself to a "quick drink."

One quick drink turns into an all-night session, and he ends up stumbling out of the bar at closing time, absolutely hammered.

When he gets home, he is determined not to wake his family.

He quietly opens the door, slips off his shoes, and starts creeping up the stairs.

About halfway up, he loses his balance, tumbles backwards, and lands hard on his backside.

Normally, that would just bruise his ego, but tonight he has a couple of empty beer bottles in his back pockets.

They shatter, and the broken glass slices up his rear end.

He is so drunk he barely notices.

Later, while undressing in the bedroom, he spots blood on his underwear. Confused, he turns around to inspect the damage in the mirror and sees that his backside is a disaster.

So he grabs the first-aid kit and, squinting into the mirror, carefully starts sticking band-aids everywhere he sees a cut.

Satisfied with his "surgery," he crawls into bed and passes out.

The next morning, he wakes up with a pounding headache and a burning butt, trying to invent a believable excuse, when his wife walks in.

"You were wasted last night," she says.

"No, no," he replies.

"I just worked late, then had a couple of beers on the way home."

She snorts.

"A couple of beers? Please. You were obliterated. Where did you really go?"

"What makes you think I was that drunk?" he asks.

She folds her arms and says, "For starters, I found half a box of Band-Aids carefully stuck all over the bathroom mirror."