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DMF joke thread

Started by sno_duc, May 06, 2008, 01:31:31 PM

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ducpainter

#2310
Today at 12:06:11 PM
An oldie...


A young man went to a farmer and bought a horse for $100 the farmer was to deliver the horse the next day. The farmer contacted the young man the next day with the unfortunate news that the horse had died, but when he tried to give the young man back his money the young man insisted that he would rather have the horse, dead or alive. A few days later the farmer met the young man again and asked how the dead horse was working out for him, the young man replied verry well. "I raffled him off and charged $20 per ticket and sold over 100 tickets." weren't they upset that the horse was dead, the farmer asked? nobody even noticed the young man replied, except the winner, so I happily refunded his $20
"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
 a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
 perspective
    is even more amazing than yours."
    To realize the value of nine  months:
    Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent."


ducpainter

#2311
Today at 12:27:55 PM

A leper loved draft beer but every time he went into a bar he was thrown out due to his illness. One day he enters a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bar tender serves him, ducks into the back room and vomits. The leper enjoys his beer so much that he orders another. The bartender serves him and ducks into the back and vomits. The leper is enjoying the service and when he orders his third beer he thanks the bartender for serving him even though his appearance is so vile that it makes the bartender vomit every time he sees him, to which the bartender replies "Your appearance doesn't bother me, the reason I keep vomiting is the man next to you keeps dipping his cracker in your arm."
"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
 a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
 perspective
    is even more amazing than yours."
    To realize the value of nine  months:
    Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent."


ducpainter

#2312
Today at 01:47:45 PM
After his check-up, the doctor smiled at the elderly man and said, "Well, you seem to be in great shape! Any health concerns on your mind?"

"Actually, yes, doc," the old man replied. "Every time I make love to my wife, after the first round, I'm hot and sweaty. But after the second time, I'm freezing and shivering. What's up with that?"

Curious, the doctor decided to examine his wife as well. After finishing, he reassured her, "You're in perfect health! Do you have any concerns or questions for me?"

She shook her head. "Nope, I'm all good."

The doctor scratched his head. "Well, your husband mentioned something odd. He says after the first time you make love, he's burning up, but after the second time, he's shivering like it's winter. Any idea why?"

The elderly lady rolled her eyes and chuckled. "Oh, that silly old man... That's because the first time is in August, and the second time is in the winter.
"Once you accept that a child on the autistic spectrum experiences the world in
 a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
 perspective
    is even more amazing than yours."
    To realize the value of nine  months:
    Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent."


Randimus Maximus

#2313
Today at 06:46:57 PM
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.

To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works.

Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"

"No," she said, "but my Mother isn't looking to get laid, either."

Randimus Maximus

#2314
Today at 06:48:32 PM
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

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