DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

An oldie...


A young man went to a farmer and bought a horse for $100 the farmer was to deliver the horse the next day. The farmer contacted the young man the next day with the unfortunate news that the horse had died, but when he tried to give the young man back his money the young man insisted that he would rather have the horse, dead or alive. A few days later the farmer met the young man again and asked how the dead horse was working out for him, the young man replied verry well. "I raffled him off and charged $20 per ticket and sold over 100 tickets." weren't they upset that the horse was dead, the farmer asked? nobody even noticed the young man replied, except the winner, so I happily refunded his $20

[ducpainter]

A leper loved draft beer but every time he went into a bar he was thrown out due to his illness. One day he enters a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bar tender serves him, ducks into the back room and vomits. The leper enjoys his beer so much that he orders another. The bartender serves him and ducks into the back and vomits. The leper is enjoying the service and when he orders his third beer he thanks the bartender for serving him even though his appearance is so vile that it makes the bartender vomit every time he sees him, to which the bartender replies "Your appearance doesn't bother me, the reason I keep vomiting is the man next to you keeps dipping his cracker in your arm."

[ducpainter]

After his check-up, the doctor smiled at the elderly man and said, "Well, you seem to be in great shape! Any health concerns on your mind?"

"Actually, yes, doc," the old man replied. "Every time I make love to my wife, after the first round, I'm hot and sweaty. But after the second time, I'm freezing and shivering. What's up with that?"

Curious, the doctor decided to examine his wife as well. After finishing, he reassured her, "You're in perfect health! Do you have any concerns or questions for me?"

She shook her head. "Nope, I'm all good."

The doctor scratched his head. "Well, your husband mentioned something odd. He says after the first time you make love, he's burning up, but after the second time, he's shivering like it's winter. Any idea why?"

The elderly lady rolled her eyes and chuckled. "Oh, that silly old man... That's because the first time is in August, and the second time is in the winter.

[Randimus Maximus]

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.

To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works.

Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"

"No," she said, "but my Mother isn't looking to get laid, either."

[Randimus Maximus]

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

[Randimus Maximus]

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

So what is the moral of this story??............................

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

[ducpainter]

A man falls asleep at church.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation

[Randimus Maximus]

The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift.

The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later the goober was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee."

[Randimus Maximus]

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

[Randimus Maximus]

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced.

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin

"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"

[ducpainter]

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of

his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."