DMF joke thread

[Kopfjäger]

    

[Randimus Maximus]

A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week, the man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up.

[ducpainter]

Have you heard about the new dog cross-breeds?
They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is Peekasso, an abstract dog.
They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever. The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.
They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel. The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.
They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound. The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador. The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer. The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't really matter.
They crossed a Collie and a Malamute. The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work.
They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier. The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
They crossed a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu. The new breed is a uhh, I'll get back to you on that.....

[DarkMonster620]

          

[ducpainter]

I was looking for a toy for my grandson at Walmart today and there was a gang of 8 kids swarming all over yelling, screaming, playing with the toy, and just being extra rowdy. All of a sudden a woman came to the end of the aisle next to me and yelled "Ray-Ray come here " and every one of those kids yelled "OK Mama" and ran to her. I was amazed. I had to ask "you named all your kids Ray-Ray?" She said that she did. I asked her what do you do if you just want one. She said "Oh, that's no problem, I just call the one I want by his last name "

[Randimus Maximus]

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

[LMT]

I find a lot of the jokes funny, but it occurs to me that the majority are at the expense of women.

[Duck-Stew]

I find a lot of the jokes funny, but it occurs to me that the majority are at the expense of women.

+1

[ducpainter]

I find a lot of the jokes funny, but it occurs to me that the majority are at the expense of women.

I'd disagree with both of your adjectives.

[Randimus Maximus]

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.