DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

.sLittle Johnny had just failed his law exam, but instead of sulking, he marched straight to his professor's office with a plan.

Johnny: "Sir, is it true you know everything about law?"

Professor: "Naturally. I've been teaching it for over 30 years."

Johnny: "Perfect. Let's make a deal. If you can answer my question, I'll accept my failing grade. But if you can't... you give me an 'A.'"

The professor, amused and slightly arrogant, agreed.

Professor: "Go ahead. Ask."

Johnny leaned forward with a grin.

Johnny: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither legal nor logical?"

The professor froze. He thought. He scribbled notes. He paced the room. Hours ticked by, but he couldn't crack it. Finally, red-faced and defeated, he gave Johnny an "A."

The next day, still fuming and desperate for answers, the professor posed the riddle to his class.

Professor: "Who can tell me—what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither legal nor logical?"

To his surprise, nearly every hand shot up.

He called on one student.

Student: "Sir, you're 65 years old and married to a 28-year-old woman. That's legal but not logical. Your wife is having an affair with a 23-year-old man. That's logical but not legal. And finally... you just gave your wife's boyfriend an 'A' after he failed his exam. That's neither legal nor logical!"

[Kopfjäger]

      

[Randimus Maximus]

Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A: A pimp.

[Randimus Maximus]

Every Monday, a rabbi, a priest, and a preacher gather in a coffee shop to discuss their spiritual lives.
During one of these meetings, the priest challenges the others to a unique bet: he believes he can convert a bear in the woods to his religion. The others are intrigued and accept the challenge, agreeing to share their experiences at their next meeting.

The following week, they all meet in the hospital, each in varying degrees of injury. They decide to convene in the rabbi's hospital room.

The priest, with his arm in a sling, recounts his encounter first.

"Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."

The others nod in approval.

Next, the preacher. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm.

He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."

Finally, they turn to the rabbi. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon.

He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."

[Kopfjäger]

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

[Randimus Maximus]

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, whom he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes EVER washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

"She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt quite apprehensive, but not wanting to offend, blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious, and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"

[Randimus Maximus]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'

[Kopfjäger]