DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee!

She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

[ducpainter]

A mature and well educated woman loved her veggie patch and particularly
growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful crop
of huge bright red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
He replied, "Well, I know this will sound strange , but twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Somebody else told me this, and I don't know why,
but it seems to work.
Well, the woman thanked the man and as she walks away she thinks to herself
this is absolutely ridiculous but at the same time she is so impressed; she decides to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?
" No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Randimus Maximus]

Most Friday nights at the naval station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officer's club after work.

One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m.

We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.

When his wife answered the phone, I said, 'Rick has been kidnapped. Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officer's club.' Then I hung up.

A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table.

In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket, and a teddy bear.

Attached to the bear was a note: 'Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home.'