DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee!

She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

[ducpainter]

A mature and well educated woman loved her veggie patch and particularly
growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful crop
of huge bright red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
He replied, "Well, I know this will sound strange , but twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Somebody else told me this, and I don't know why,
but it seems to work.
Well, the woman thanked the man and as she walks away she thinks to herself
this is absolutely ridiculous but at the same time she is so impressed; she decides to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?
" No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Randimus Maximus]

Most Friday nights at the naval station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officer's club after work.

One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m.

We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.

When his wife answered the phone, I said, 'Rick has been kidnapped. Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officer's club.' Then I hung up.

A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table.

In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket, and a teddy bear.

Attached to the bear was a note: 'Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home.'

[Howie]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He was asked if they were willing to try it out.

They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

[ducpainter]

A bear and a rabbit were pooping in the woods (where else would bear poop?). The bear looked over at the rabbit and said "does poop stick to your fur?"
The rabbit replied indignantly "it most certainly does not!"
The bear said "good " and picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt with him.

[Randimus Maximus]

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.

After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm the chip monk."

[ducpainter]

A girl came skipping home from school, ran into the house and gleefully said "Mommy we counted in school today and all the other kids could only count to 5 but I counted all the way to 10. Her Mom said, "that's because you are blond, dear".
Next day the girl ran into the house and just as excitedly as the day before said, "Mommy we did the alphabet in school today and all the other kids could only get to "G" but I got to "M". Her mom said "that's because you are blond, dear".
The next day she ran into the house and said "mommy, we had gym today and when we were dressing all the other girls were flat chested but I have these" and she raised her shirt to reveal a pair of 34 D's. She asked "is that because I am blond, too?" Her mom said "No, Honey, that's because you are 24 years old ".

[Monsterlover]