DMF joke thread

[Randimus Maximus]

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.

One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."

[Randimus Maximus]

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again."Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".

[Randimus Maximus]

Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church.

One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"

[ducpainter]

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were talking the other day, and Thibodeaux told Boudreaux that he had asked Clotile the night before to have sex, but he wanted to try it a different way.
He told her he wanted to try it "doggy style". Boudreaux asked him, "Mais, dat sounds like fun. How was it ?"
Thibodeaux told him, "Aw, it wasn't much. I sat up an' begged, an' Clotile rolled over an' played dead

[ducpainter]

Boudreaux was walking down the levee the other day, and as he passed old man Thibodeaux's house, he noticed that Thibodeaux was sitting on the front porch, wearing nothing at all from the waist down.
This naturally got Boudreaux's attention, and he asked Thibodeaux, "My fren, why for you sittin' der nekked wid no pants on like dat ?"
Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, it's like dis. A couple weeks ago, I sat out here widdout a shirt, and got me a stiff neck. Dis was Clotile's idea !"

[Randimus Maximus]

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table.

The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

[Kopfjäger]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[ducpainter]

2 nuns were tasked with painting a bedroom. Not wanting to get paint on their habits they stripped and being minimalist they had on no under garments. Painting was going well when there was a knock on the door. One of the pair asked who it was and the answer was "blind man." They whispered to each other and decided that since he was a blind man it didn't matter if they were dressed or not and also there was a tad bit of naughtiness there without being naughty. A little excited about the plan, the nun closest to the door opened it to see a very red faced man who asked " which windows would you ladies like these blinds installed on?"

[Randimus Maximus]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Don't mess with Old People.