DMF joke thread

[Kopfjäger]

    

[Randimus Maximus]

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm just a walking economy."

His friend replies, "What do you mean?"

"It's like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

[Randimus Maximus]

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

[ducpainter]

A man walks into a grocery store and heads to the produce aisle. He finds the clerk and asks him for a half a head of lettuce.

The clerk responds "I'm sorry sir, we don't sell half heads of lettuce."

The man says "Why not? I can buy a half pound of hamburger, a half dozen eggs, and a half pint of half & half. Why can't I buy a half head of lettuce?"

The clerk looks at him, and says "Wait right here, I'll be right back."

The clerk heads through the swinging doors and sees the manager, to who he states "There's some asshole out there that wants to buy a half head of lettuce...and just as the words leave his mouth...he sees the guy coming through the swinging doors...and this gentleman would like to buy the other half." The manager tells him to take care of the guy, so he did.

A little while later the manager comes to the clerk and says "I really liked the way you handled that situation. Very quick thinking on your feet. I have a store in Canada and I'd like you to manage it."

The clerk replies " Canada? All they have up there are whores and hockey players." To which the manager replied "You be careful how you talk, my wife lives in Canada."

To which the clerk replies " Oh yeah? What team does she play for?"