DMF joke thread

[ducpainter]

It seems that one Sunday, Ms. Jones waited until the end of the church service in their small Texas town to speak with Preacher Smith.

The preacher was talking with members of the congregation as they left when Ms. Jones approached him.

"Preacher Smith, I have something very important I need to ask you."

"I'll be happy to help," he said. "Just let me see everyone off, and then we can talk."

A few minutes later, the preacher turned to Ms. Jones. "Now, how may I help you?"

"Well," she replied, "it's very personal. Could we go someplace more private?"

As they walked toward his office, Preacher Smith assured her that she had come to the right person.

"But you can't tell anyone," Ms. Jones insisted.

"Of course not," he replied. "You can talk to me. I've known you for decades. Why, you've been a member of this church since you were a teenager."

When they reached his office, Preacher Smith could see that she was still reluctant to discuss whatever was troubling her. He continued to reassure her until she finally began.

"Preacher Smith, do you remember that near the end of World War II there was a German POW camp outside of town?"

"Well, that was before my time," he said, "but I've certainly heard about it. You'd remember it better than I would. You've lived here all your life."

"When I was a teenager," Ms. Jones continued, "I used to see the German prisoners working in the fields."

"Yes, I've heard about that," the preacher replied. "But that's ancient history."

"That's not it," she said. "Every once in a while, one of the POWs would escape."

"Yes, I've heard those stories, too. But Ms. Jones, that was decades ago. Surely you don't need to worry about any of that now."

"No, no. That's not it either."

She hesitated, then continued. "One night, when I was a young girl, I heard a noise outside. When I went to investigate, I discovered one of the escaped German soldiers."

"Well, that certainly is interesting," Preacher Smith said, "but surely that isn't what has you so upset."

"No. There's more. I hid him in our attic. I would sneak food and water up to him so no one would know he was there."

The preacher smiled reassuringly. "Ms. Jones, you don't need to worry about that. It was a very long time ago."

"That's still not my problem." She took a deep breath.
"As time passed, I began to notice just how handsome he was. He was big and strong, blond-haired and blue-eyed. He looked like Adonis. And I became very attracted to him."

Preacher Smith nodded sympathetically. "You were both young. You had emotions and desires like any other young people. Being attracted to one another was perfectly natural. There's nothing to be ashamed of."

"That's not my problem either." Ms. Jones hesitated again. "Eventually, one thing led to another... and we had sex."

Preacher Smith leaned back in his chair. "Ms. Jones, that happened more than eighty years ago. You were a young woman, and he was a young soldier. I've known you for decades, and you've always been a wonderful, thoughtful member of this church and this community. Nobody would think any less of you now."

Ms. Jones shook her head impatiently. "Preacher, that's not my problem!"

Finally, Preacher Smith asked, "Then what in the world has you so upset?"

Ms. Jones looked at him and asked, "Do you think I should tell him the war is over?"

[Randimus Maximus]

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

[Randimus Maximus]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

[Kopfjäger]