DMF joke thread

[eltristo]

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

Now THAT's humor! 

[silvy1200]

A Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The salary is $200,000 a year.'


The guy, wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me! '

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well ... You started it.'

[silvy1200]

Grounds for Divorce



A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."

[silvy1200]

TRAIN TICKET

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Bill's football game from Rochester. At
the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of
the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.


They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all
three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after
the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He
knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.' The door opens just a
crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes
it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the
game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some
money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip
but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any tickets at
all!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man.


'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and
the three women cram into the next toilet just down the hallway.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet
and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. She knocks on
their door and says, 'Tickets please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men often think they are smarter than women






even as a dude I found it funny!

[DaniD]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.  After the cut he asked  about his bill and the barber replies,   'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'  The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
 
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.  I'm doing community service this week.'  The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
 
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
 
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he Tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.  I'm doing community service this week.'  The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
 
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card  and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.
 
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money  from you.  I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. 

[erkishhorde]

TRAIN TICKET

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Bill's football game from Rochester. At
the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of
the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.


They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all
three women cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after
the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He
knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.' The door opens just a
crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes
it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the
game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some
money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip
but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any tickets at
all!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man.


'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and
the three women cram into the next toilet just down the hallway.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet
and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. She knocks on
their door and says, 'Tickets please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men often think they are smarter than women






even as a dude I found it funny!

We got that one already...  Look a page or 2 back. 

['diction]

I thought this was funny... the names  have been changed to protect the innoscent


Italian Tomatoes

 

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad.

A few days later... he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love, your son

At 4 AM the next morning, FBI AGENTS and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, your son

WORK SMARTER, NOT HARDER.

[sno_duc]

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses.

  When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the  urinal.
 
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their wee wees to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

 Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 4th.'
 
'No, ma'am, ' he replied. 'I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.' 

[Rameses]

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses.

  When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the  urinal.
 
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their wee wees to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

 Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 4th.'
 
'No, ma'am, ' he replied. 'I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.' 

 

[silvy1200]

 

[DaniD]

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colordiagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place,
at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really
hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO
STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for
a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a
microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's
enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of  powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm
water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel
movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off
your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:
Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There
are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the
bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you
figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my
wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried
about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of
MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ³What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you
apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was20ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered
what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,
so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no
choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I
was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side,
and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my
hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be
the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I
said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell
you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking
'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I
was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even0D
more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had
passed with flying colors.


I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Stay Well, Do Good, and Write Often.

[Howie]

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

<snip>

What timing 

Excluding for the ABBA music and Doctor's name you described my yesterday and today.  We need one like this for the other end

[Rameses]

What timing 

Excluding for the ABBA music and Doctor's name you described my yesterday and today.  We need one like this for the other end

I had one done several years ago b/c of a GI disorder that was causing me to vomit uncontrollably ever 2 months.

My body's always been kinda resistant to anesthesia.

I partially woke up in the middle of mine.   

It wasn't pleasant.

[Hank]

I apologize in advance to any members who are Chinese 

[Mod edit: generally if you have to pre-apologize, the joke's over the line. RTM received, joke removed]

[mstevens]

A gorgeous woman slinks up next to a lone businessman in a hotel bar.

They flirt lightly for a while, then eventually she leans over and whisper into his ear "You know, I'll do anything you want for $300."

The businessman thinks for a moment, then asks "Anything? Anything I want?"

"Absolutely anything your dirty little mind can think of," she purrs back.

He thinks for a moment, nods to himself as if he's decided it's a good deal, then reaches for his wallet and peels out 6 $50's, holds them out to her unobtrusively and says...

"Paint my house."