DMF joke thread

[S4ROB]

Stranded on a deserted island:  Stevie Ray is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.  One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And he replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got a DUCATI MONSTER in there!"

[Hank]

Getting a blow job from an ugly girl is like bungee jumping.  It feels great, just don't look down.

[DaniD]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a  hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom  yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says,  "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law  to death with a hammer."

The voice in  the back of the courtroom yells out, "You  bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand  your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy  in the back of the courtroom stands up and says, "I'm sorry,  Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door  to that bastard, and  every time I asked to borrow a  hammer, he said he didn't have  one."

[akmnstr]

Here are a few from Groucho. 

# Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

# A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

# If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

# Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

# Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

# Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

# As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

# Blood's not thicker than money.

# I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

# I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

# Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

# Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

# Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

# Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

# From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

# He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot

# How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.

# I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.

# I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

# I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

# I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

# I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

# I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

# I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

# I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

# I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it

# If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

# I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me.

# Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

[Desmostro]

Dorothy Parker quotes

One more drink and I'd have been under the host.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.

(Playing a word game, making a sentence with "Horticulture.")
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.


    Razors pain you,
    Rivers are damp,
    Acids stain you,
    And drugs cause cramp.
    Guns aren't lawful,
    Nooses give,
    Gas smells awful.
    You might as well live.

Unfortunate Coincidence

    By the time you swear you're his,

        Shivering and sighing,

    And he vows his passion is

        Infinite, undying,

    Lady, make a note of this —

        One of you is lying



Experience

    Some men tear your heart in two,
    Some men flirt and flatter,
    Some men never look at you,
    And that clears up the matter.


On a Yale prom

 If all the girls attending it were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

I've been too make the beast with two backsing busy - or vice versa.

    * This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

What fresh hell is this? Reportedly her stock comment when the telephone rang

    * Tallulah Bankhead: "Why, it's as easy as ducking for apples."
      Dorothy Parker: "Hah, change one letter in that sentence and you've got the story of my life."

[Terrapin]

While we're doing quotes...

Steven Wright

"Did you sleep good?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

"So, do you live around here often?"

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

About a year ago, my girlfriend was on the pill, wearing a diaphragm, and an IUD all at once. Recently, she had a baby; baby was born wearing armor.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the humidifier...now my room's all shiny.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He's much smarter now... Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there, but I can't leave.

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record had a skip. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

[somegirl]

(Playing a word game, making a sentence with "Horticulture.")
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

That's been one of my favorites of hers.

[Hank]

An elderly  woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse  full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on  talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of  money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,   '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of  bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told  the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.
'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure..'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied ,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

[Monsterlover]

good one!

[TiNi]

 

[Desmostro]

I bought some banks last week. And an Ins. company.

[NeufUnSix]

A hobo walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink on the house.

The bartender laughs and tells the hobo he'll give him a drink if he can show him something impressive.

The hobo nods, and pulls a rat out of his pocket. Out of another pocket he produces a tiny piano. He sets the piano and the rat on the bar and the rat begins to play a jazz tune.

"Holy shit, that's incredible! That's worth a drink."

The hobo finishes his drink and asks the bartender for another.

The bartender tells the hobo he can have unlimited drinks on the house if he can top the piano playing rat.

The hobo nods, and pulls a frog out of his coat. He sets the frog on top of the tiny piano, and the frog begins singing scat while the rat plays.

The bartender begins feverishly mixing drinks and shoving them towards the hobo.

A man in a suit notices the show and walks over to the hobo.

"Buddy, that's an amazing duo you have there. I'll give you a hundred grand, right now, for the pair."

The hobo responds "They aren't for sale."

"Cmon pal, a man in your situation can't sit on an act like that! I'll give you 250 000!"

"Nope"

"Well, how about 150 000 for the singing frog?"

The hobo thinks it over for a minute and agrees. The man in the suit writes him a cheque, takes the frog and leaves the bar.

The bartender says to the hobo "Jesus man, how could you do that? Split up a duo like that? Those two have got to be worth millions!"

The hobo smiles. "It's okay, the rat's a ventriloquist."

[ryandalling]

Uh... this guy walks into a bar... the other one ducks.

[silvy1200]

Bill stood over his tee shot on the 350 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner Fred asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?'


'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Jim explained.


'I want to make a perfect shot.'


His partner Fred exclaimed, 'Oh come on, you don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'

[DaniD]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and before he left he told her that he did not have any cash with him but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the place I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied

#2 - there was plenty of heat

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied

#2 - there wasn't any heat

#3 - it was entirely too large

Upon receipt of the note the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.