DMF joke thread

[sno_duc]

An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.


* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop
diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it
back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try
orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the
rest to God.

[sno_duc]

    At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people.
 
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
 
Internal Revenue Service
 
Postal Service
 
Telephone Service

Civil Service
 
City & County Public Service
 
Customer Service
 
Service Stations

 
Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.


 
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM!  It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

[desmoquattro]

Two fellers...were standin on a bridge...goin' to the bathroom. One feller said "The water's cold"  n' tother one said "It's deep."

...I think one of them fellers was from Arkansas.

...Git it?

[sno_duc]

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
                 A half-gallon of 2% milk,
                 A carton of eggs,
                 A quart of orange juice,
                 A head of romaine lettuce,
                 A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
                 A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.  While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I
was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the
drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely right.  But how on earth did you
know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Mac_48]

When my wife and I decided to get married we'd been going out for a few years. We really loved each other and we wanted everything to be perfect... and pretty much everything was, except that one thing had been bothering me. Her sister was a babe and many times I visited, she would flirt with me, bending over in front of me, things I didn't want to acknowledge.

Well a couple of nights before the wedding, she called me over to help her with some boxes. She was moving out of her apartment. When I arrived, I found her alone on the couch wearing decidedly little. I was shocked and she explained to me that she'd always wanted me and that it was her final opportunity, as these were my last few days as a bachelor. Well, I didn't know what to do. She told me she would go upstairs and wait and if I wanted to, I could follow her, but if I didn't, I could just leave.

I waited for a moment and then went outside only to find her dad almost in tears with joy saying he knew now that I was really the right man and that I had his blessing to marry his daughter. This was a test to see just how loyal I was!

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
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A man is driving through the countryside when he sees a sign that reads "Pigs for sale, next left". Curiosity got the better of him and he turned into the farm.The farmer greets him at the gate and asks him which pig he wants. The man, having no experience of buying pigs simply points at one and asks "how much is that one?". The farmer grabs the pig's tail between his teeth, lifts the pig off the floor and says "£200" Slightly confused, tha man says "thats a bit expensive, how about that one" and points at another pig. Again the father picks up the pig by the tail between his teeth and says "that ones heavier, so it'll be about £250". "Heavier?" said the man, "am i supposed to believe you are weighing them" "Yes siad the farmer, thats how you weigh pigs, everybody knows that, ask my daughter" The man turns to his daughter and sure enough she says "thats how you weigh pigs". By this point the man is sure he is being conned, and is about to leave when the farmer says, "hang on, i'll prove that this is how you weigh pigs, ask my wife". To which his daughter added "Oh, you can't ask her, she's weighing the postman".
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Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,

"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE xxxxING DISHES!!"

[Bun-bun]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says"Does this taste funny to you"?


Two bums are sitting in an alley. A German shepard walks into the alley, sits down, and starts licking his balls. One bum turns to the other and says "Man, I sure wish I could do that." The other one says "I dunno, that's a pretty big dog."

[Popeye the Sailor]

 I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only
about five minutes, when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said,

"Come on, buddy, how About giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horseshit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with
the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the
more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

[duc_fan]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O
P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+ 7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work andKnowledgewill get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit andAsskissing that will put you over the top.

[Hank]

Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I always get an erection.  It can be embarrassing sometimes 
I went to the doctor last week and told him my problem.
He said, "No wonder you get aroused, you look like a pussy!"

[sno_duc]

> CHINESE PROVERBS 
 > Man who run in front of car get tired.
> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

[Rev. Millertime]

A couple more:

Man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day!
To meet girl in park is good, to park meat in girl is better.

[Timmy Tucker]

So I had to go to the doctor Monday. I pulled something in my back last week loading the tool trailer and it's been making work pretty rough. After the usual 45 min wait, I get in a room and a few minutes later the doc shows up. He makes some small talk, then does all the usual stuff...poking and prodding and what-not.

He steps back and gives me that patented "grim doctor face" they give you right before they tell you the bad news. I'm totally expecting to hear that I'm gonna be out of work for a while. He says, "You need to stop masturbating so much". Shocked, I asked him why. He said, "Cause I'm trying to examine you".

[Rameses]

So I had to go to the doctor Monday. I pulled something in my back last week loading the tool trailer and it's been making work pretty rough. After the usual 45 min wait, I get in a room and a few minutes later the doc shows up. He makes some small talk, then does all the usual stuff...poking and prodding and what-not.

He steps back and gives me that patented "grim doctor face" they give you right before they tell you the bad news. I'm totally expecting to hear that I'm gonna be out of work for a while. He says, "You need to stop masturbating so much". Shocked, I asked him why. He said, "Cause I'm trying to examine you".

 



A man and his wife are getting a little frisky one night before they go to sleep.  After a while the woman realizes their door's cracked and their young son is watching with a puzzled look on his face.  "Honey," she says, "I think we're being watched."  Her husband glances over his shoulder and then says to her with a chuckle "I guess I'll have to have the talk with him tomorrow."

The next afternoon he's looking around the house for his son to talk with him and can't find him anywhere.  Finally he ventures out to their in-law quarters to see if his mother's seen him.  Opening the door, he's horrified by what he sees and exclaims "what the hell?!"  At this, the son looks over his shoulder and yells "IT'S NOT SO FUNNY WHEN IT'S YOUR MOM, HUH?!!!"

[sno_duc]

Cowboy:  "That your dog?"

Indian:  "Yep."

Cowboy:  "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian:  "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog:  "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy:  "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)

Dog:  "Yep."

Cowboy:  "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy:  "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian:  "Horse no talk."

Cowboy:  "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy:  "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian)

Horse:  "Yep."

Cowboy:  "How's he treating you?"

Horse:  "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy:  "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian:  "Sheep lie

[Jobu]

Little Johnny's dad was drinking some beer one afternoon.  Little Johnny asked for a beer and his Dad responded, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Johnny says, "What.... of course it doesn't."  Dad responds, "Well you can't have a beer then."

Later that day, being the badass Harley rider that he is, Little Johnny's dad was about to go for a ride on his motorcycle up to the local bar.  Little Johnny says "Let me ride it."  Dad says, "Can your dick touch your asshole yet."

"Well no," says Johnny.  "Well, you can't ride it then," says his father.

Little Johnny's dad amazingly gets back from the bar on his bike and Johnny is sitting on the porch eating some cookies.

His dad says, "Mmmm, them cookies look good.  Give me one."

Little Johnny responds, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"  Dad says, "Of course it can!"

Little Johnny says, "Well good, cause you might as well go make the beast with two backs yourself cause you ain't getting none my make the beast with two backsing cookies."