DMF joke thread

[DesmoDiva]

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship Holding her
hat tight So that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
'Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
But! Did you know that your dress
Is blowing up in this high wind?'

'Yes, I know,' said the lady.
'I need both my hands
To hold onto this hat.'

'But madam, you must know that you are Not wearing any panties And
your privates are exposed!'
Said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down,
Then back up at the man
And replied,
'Sir, anything you see down there
Is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!'

[erkishhorde]

Worthy of a derby:

HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS

For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual (or Clymer or Chilton equivalents) in attempting home maintenance of a car or motorbike. For those who havn't used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed at those who want to fix their own vehicles and which keep qualified mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards. They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38 last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin.
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.

Haynes: Drain off all fluids before removing cap.
Translation: Visit bathroom, spit on ground, remove baseball cap in order to scratch head in perplexity.

Haynes: Top up fluids.
Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo the damage.

For Added Haynes Fun, go to the first section "Safety First" and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid. Would you really trust the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement?

The best one I encountered was how to change a brake sensor in a Ford Fiesta Popular Plus. The photo showing the location of the unit failed to mention the crucial detail of whether the item was located in the engine compartment or inside the car ..... and the helpful photo of what the thing looked like didn't give the reader any clues!

 
THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL
All makes and models post-2000

For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes Manual (aka "The Haynes Bumper Book of Jokes") is:

Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amount of cash.

Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far too scary. Proceed with routine service (see above).

 

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing (fender).

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
 
 

[Jobu]

First time I had seen that.   

 

[akmnstr]

 
I''ve been using that very book for years

[DaniD]

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls alongside the woman and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, Ma'am," he says and leaves.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Speedbag]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he 
decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his 
gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and 
discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his 
doctor 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good 
news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your 
groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to 
remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.
 
'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage 
done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother.'

'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your 
brother a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'He's a flute player in the local 
symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you 
don't piss in your eye.'

[silvy1200]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens It and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road ...Having a Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come. About 5:00 PM."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months!

I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

[Duck-Stew]

^ ^ ^
|  |  |

THAT's funny!!!

[silvy1200]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[Jaman]

Two Wisconsin guys are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing, quietly drinking beer.
 
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says;
'I think I'm going to divorce my wife -
she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
 
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer,
then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over -
women like that are hard to find.'

[Jarvicious]

What's Brown and Sticky??








































A stick

[Monsterlover]

[DaniD]

Can you solve this puzzle?
 
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?









































* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round*

[Monsterlover]

[silvy1200]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.   
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.   
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.   
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'