DMF joke thread

[silvy1200]

i have today off 

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving
drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives
the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.

[silvy1200]

 filthy rich Floridian man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,"
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something.
You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!"

[silvy1200]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

[silvy1200]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the Newspaper for a ranch hand.



Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.



For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."



The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.



Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.



She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.



Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[silvy1200]

One day moses and jesus were walking along the shoreline, when moses says to jesus "do you think we still got it" jesus says i dunno lets find out. so moses puts his stick in the water. waves crash and the sea splits. moses still gots it. so, now its jesus' turn he cracks his knuckles and says this should be easy. takes 3 or 4 steps out into the water and --splash-- he falls in, he comes back out and says let me try again, but to his dismay, the same thing happens. confused, jesus says" i dont know what happened. back in the day i could walk all the way across this sea with ease." moses turns to him and says, "back in the day you didnt have holes in your feet."

[Monstermash]

Theres a guy sitting at a bar and he noticably upset. So the bartender asks him whats wrong and the guy starts tellingthe bartenter how bad his day has been.

 "First, I got fired from my job and came home early to find my wife in bed with another man. Then I was so upset that I didn't even look as I was backing the car out of the driveway and got hit and I totaled the car."

 "Wow!" said the bartender. "You sound like you need some cheering up."

 The guy give him a look and states that there is nothing that can cheer him up.

 Well the bartender doesn't give up so he points to a gorilla sitting at the other end of the bar. "You see that gorilla at the end of the bar?" askes the bartender? "Well thats a trick gorilla, do you want to see him perform a trick?"

 The guy is a little skeptical but tells the bartender ok.

 The bartender grabs a baseball bat from behind the bar and hits the gorilla over the head with it. The gorilla falls down, gets up, runs around the bar three times and then gives the bartender a blowjob.

 The guy is in complete shock and doesn't say anything but just sits there with a bewildered look on his face.

 The bartender knowing that he just shocked the guy says "So you liked that huh?" "Want to see it again?"

 The guy agrees so the bartender hits the gorilla over the head with the bat again. The gorilla falls down, gets up, runs around the bar three times and then gives the bartender another blowjob.

 The guy is still in complete shock and all he can do is say "wow!" The bartender is obviously enjoying himself so he looks at the guy and says "Do you want to give it a try?"

 The guy stand up and says "Sure, just don't hit me so hard with the bat!"

[Desmostro]

(Apologies if anyone is offended. NOT a poke at Femininity which I regard with the uttermost respect.
This is a poke at menfolk who are oftentimes bewildered by non-verbal communication and basic politeness.)

no joke
 foot notes for understanding:

[Desmostro]

Roping A Deer
More like a funny story written in earnest; a bit long, but funny.


Roping A Deer (Names have been removed to protect the UNEDUCATED!)

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

 

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.  They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. .my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
 
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
 
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
 
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
 
That deer EXPLODED.
 
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
 
A deer-- no chance.
 
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
 
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
 
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
 
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
 
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
 
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
 
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
 
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
 
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
 
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.
 
While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached upwith my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
 
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
 
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
 
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
 
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.


So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

[ryandalling]

uh.... after reading that one... I may need something more powerful than a rifle when I go hunting.   

[Bun-bun]

Thoughts from a man:

Impotence is natures way of saying "No hard feelings."

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Why do many men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

[Bun-bun]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and decided to get married. The only thing that kept me from being absolutely sure that I was doing the right thing was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was about 22, and always walked around in tight skirts, and usually without a bra.
One day little sister invited me over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and whispered to me that she had always had feelings for me that just wouldn't go away. She said that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and commited myself to her sister.
Well, I was in shock, and couldn't say a word.
She then said "I'm going upstairs. If you want one last wild fling, come up and get me."
She then walked up the stairs, took her panties off and threw them at me, and walked into her bedroom.
I stood there for a moment, then turned around, ran to the front door, and ran out towards my car. There, on the sidewalk, was her whole family! Her father walked up, hugged me, and said " I knew you were the right man for my little girl, welcome to the family. I hope you're not too upset about this test we put you through."





The moral of this story?


Always leave your condoms in your car.

[ryandalling]

I think that one is on page 3. 

[Bun-bun]

I think that one is on page 3. 

Oh CRAP!!!


I've been Derby'd!!!

[somegirl]

Oh CRAP!!!


I've been Derby'd!!!

Still funny the 2nd time around though.

[Gator]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing, Mister! You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more! He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody"s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his damned widow."