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DMF joke thread
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Topic: DMF joke thread (Read 443111 times)
DesmoDiva
Hero Member
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Posts: 8699
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #240 on:
February 11, 2009, 05:08:36 PM »
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Monsterlover
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I will save Skynet from Sarah Connor
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #241 on:
February 11, 2009, 05:16:25 PM »
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"The Vincent was like a bullet that went straight; the Ducati is like the magic bullet in Dallas that went sideways and hit JFK and the Governor of Texas at the same time."--HST **"A man who works with his hands is a laborer. A man who works with his hands and his brain is a craftsman. A man who works with his hands, brains, and heart is an artist." -Louis Nizer**
Popeye the Sailor
For $50 you can touch my
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Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #242 on:
February 11, 2009, 05:28:00 PM »
Wouldn't see have to be mute for that to make sense?
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If the state had not cut funding for the mental institutions, this project could never have happened.
ducpainter
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DILLIGAF
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #243 on:
February 11, 2009, 06:15:26 PM »
Quote from: MrIncredible on February 11, 2009, 05:28:00 PM
Wouldn't see have to be mute for that to make sense?
lipreader
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a completely different way than you, you will be open to understand how that
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To realize the value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
"Don't piss off old people The older we get, the less 'Life in Prison' is a deterrent.”
the_Journeyman
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Molly & Syreena, the Italian mistresses
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #244 on:
February 12, 2009, 05:03:20 AM »
A guy walks into a bar...
His buddy ducks.
JM
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sno_duc
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Posts: 811
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #245 on:
February 17, 2009, 12:30:21 PM »
The Zipper
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin , she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan
and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.'
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A conclusion is the place you got tired of thinking
stopintime
Hero Member
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Posts: 9033
S2R 800 '07
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #246 on:
February 17, 2009, 04:08:46 PM »
Q: If a woman is uncomfortable watchin' you wank,
do you think:
A: You need more time together
B: She's a make the beast with two backsin' prude
C: She should have sat elsewhere on the bus
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237,000 km/sixteen years - loving it
silvy1200
Full Member
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Posts: 211
no seas buey
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #247 on:
February 26, 2009, 05:40:03 PM »
Weight loss???
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight
loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight
loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same
thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound
program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape .
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program .
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week. ------------
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silvy1200
Full Member
Offline
Posts: 211
no seas buey
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #248 on:
February 26, 2009, 05:55:56 PM »
An armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs
his hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks
around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over
and calmly shoots him in the head also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
'Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.
There are a few moments silence when one elderly Irish gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says,
"I think my wife may have caught a glimpse."
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swampduc
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Posts: 2689
'99 996, '07 S2R1000,'08 1098s, '12 1199s
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #249 on:
February 26, 2009, 05:59:14 PM »
Quote from: silvy1200 on February 26, 2009, 05:40:03 PM
Weight loss???
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight
loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight
loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same
thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound
program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape .
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program .
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week. ------------
Logged
Respeta mi autoridad!
Mojo S2R
Wearing a cape offline so that others know I am a
Hero Member
Offline
Posts: 2488
. Dark Mojo .
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #250 on:
February 26, 2009, 06:12:19 PM »
Tiger
On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf and completely unaware of Tiger's identity, greets him in a typical Irish manner, "Top of the mornin' to ya sir," says the attendant.
Tiger, who is familiar with the Irish custom, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you, sir!" He gives a quick nod and bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose.
As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what on the good earth are the fer?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving." says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus." says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"
«
Last Edit: February 26, 2009, 06:17:09 PM by Mojo S2R
»
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silvy1200
Full Member
Offline
Posts: 211
no seas buey
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #251 on:
February 26, 2009, 07:31:05 PM »
those beemers do have everything!
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Now ~ 01' Yellow 996
Mother
Guest
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #252 on:
March 01, 2009, 11:38:18 AM »
what do you call a snowboarder without a girlfriend?
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Howie
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Posts: 17237
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #253 on:
March 01, 2009, 01:05:42 PM »
Quote from: Mother on March 01, 2009, 11:38:18 AM
what do you call a snowboarder without a girlfriend?
Spoiler
homeless
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Buckethead
I have a little tiny cape that fits on my
Hero Member
Offline
Posts: 5989
Re: DMF joke thread
«
Reply #254 on:
March 01, 2009, 05:36:14 PM »
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?
Mick Jagger sings "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!"
A Scotsman shouts "Hey! McCleod! Get off of my ewe!"
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Quote from: Jester on April 11, 2013, 06:29:35 AM
I can't wait until Marquez gets on his level and makes Jorge trip on his tampon string.
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