DMF joke thread

[akmnstr]

Yeah a large number of those have been found to be untrue.  Entertaining though.

Yeah but all of Sno-duc's Little Ralphy's stories are true

[erkishhorde]

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.







There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[sno_duc]

Yeah a large number of those have been found to be untrue.  Entertaining though.

I had my choice either the joke thread or somewhere on the political board.
I figured being an election year enough BS was already being shoveled into the fan.
So I posted on the joke thread.
Now mind your P's and Q's

[Howie]

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"My God, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree !!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to! within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe, Pepe - what happened?"....
With his dying breath Pepe calls out ... ."Ugh, run , run ! .. it wasn't a Bacon Tree it was a........Ham Bush."

[desmoquattro]

Did you hear about the new birth control pill for men?

You take it the morning after and it changes your DNA.

[Ddan]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and
> all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'The
> fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the
> fence and looked through to see what was going on. Some
> idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.Then they all
> started shouting '14....14....14'...

[Hank]

What does a woman's asshole and a 9 volt battery have in common?



















You're not supposed to lick them, but you do anyways. 

[desmobloke]

Two monkeys are sitting in the bath.

One says 'Ooh! ooh! hah! hoo!'

The other one says 'Why don't you just put in some cold?'

[Ohmic]

A baby seal walks into a club...

[oldjackbob]

A polar bear and his young son were tooling across the tundra, heading out for the daily hunt, and at one point the youngster looks up at his dad and says, "Hey dad, am I a polar bear?". The dad looks down, smiles and replies, "Why, yes you are, son, and I'm darn proud of it!". The youngster ponders his dad's reply, and continues on. A little later he asks again, "Hey dad, are you SURE I'm a polar bear?". His dad says, "Well, I'm pretty sure you are, son, but I tell you what...let's ask your mother when we get home".
They get home that night and the youngster makes a beeline straight for his mom. "Hey mom, am I a polar bear?", he asks. "You certainly are, son...why do you ask?", she replies.
He says, "Cuz I am frickin' COLD!"

[Jobu]

A priest sees a young boy (probably Lil' Ralphie or Lil' Johnny) walking down the road (no, it is not that kinda joke) tossing a bottle of liquid in the air and catching it.

The priest asks the boy, "What is that."  "It's acid," says the boy.  The priest is concerned about the boy playing with the acid and offers him a bottle of holy water in exchange for the bottle of acid.

The boy says, "Yea, what is so special about the holy water."  The Priest says, "Well, it is very special.  It comes from the Vatican and if you put this holy water on a woman's belly, she may pass a baby."

To which the boy responds, "Yea, that's nothing.  If you put this acid on a cat's ass, it will pass a motorcycle."

[kenrok1]

The Bathtub Test

 During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
 you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
  a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
  bathtub.'

 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
  bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

 'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
  want a bed near the window?'

[sno_duc]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU  (Please write them down)

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons , you'll just mess it up.

[eyeboy]

a man walks into a bar.

[desmoquattro]

^^

A rabbi walks into a bar with a bullfrog on one shoulder.

The bartender looks him over, smiling, and says:

"That's great! Where'd you find that?"

To which the bullfrog says "Brooklyn. There's hundreds of 'em!"