DMF joke thread

[Bun-bun]

This may be a derby, but it's one of my favorite Robin Wiliams one liners.

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one looks at the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

[TiNi]

Man and woman are lying in bed. Man starts getting a little frisky so the woman says "Honey, not tonight, I have a pap smear tomorrow and I want to be fresh". Discouraged, he rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and asks "Do you have a dental  appointment tomorrow?"

 

[DCXCV]

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and asks, “Do you know how to drive this?”
 

[ducpainter]

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and asks, “Do you know how to drive this?”
 

That took me a second....

[sno_duc]

Anyone doing their taxes this weekend will like this one.
   
    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
    He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

   
    Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
    The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. 

   
   
    The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
    Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting  for help.

   
     A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
    newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, put s her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the  restaurant. 

   
   
    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants;
    takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

    After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. 

   
   
    Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the
    nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
   
    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
    effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
    saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.  Are you a doctor? "
   
    'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S..

[Porsche Monkey]

 

[Spicoli]

Happy Easter

The Ultimate Peep Show

[Zaster]

How cruel is this  :
http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn127/zaster99/image001.jpg
Maybe if he buys a Desmosedici he will feel like a man again 
But will his feet reach the controls......

[ryandalling]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. 

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. 

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said 'No,' but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said 'All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be  along when one is available.'  George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.  'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them..' and he hung up. 
 
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
 
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

[NAKID]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. 

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. 

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said 'No,' but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said 'All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be  along when one is available.'  George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.  'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them..' and he hung up. 
 
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
 
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

 

[herm]

very good!

[red baron]

The stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10
years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the
possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet
suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long
has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years,"  replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on   the left
sleeve of her wet su it and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a
lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.   "Faith and
begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how
great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish
Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket
there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!"
shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the   long front
of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
asked, "And how long has it been since you played   around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus,
Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[Desmostro]

Woe - my dad just sent me this.
Are you my dad?!

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. 

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. 
.....
Then the police dispatche.....

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

[ryandalling]

Woe - my dad just sent me this.
Are you my dad?!

Shh... don't tell my wife.

[ducpainter]

 Evil creatures....



A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said: 'Clean my house.'