DMF joke thread

[eltristo]

Good thing she didn't have the verbal room to set conditions.  Like you have to be dressed.  Or you have to clean the whole thing.  Or to what degree.  He could tie  towel to his butt and rub it on the wall.  House cleaned.   And, as we all know from cheesy porn, women always get lustful over the help.   

[Buckethead]

Myrtle is sitting in her rocking chair watching TV in the day room at her nursing home.

In walks Ted, who just got a prescription for Viagra and thinks he's hot shit. He walks up to her and whispers in her ear "For $5, I'll make love to you right there in your rocking chair. For $10, we can go over on the couch so you can be more comfortable. For $20, we can go back to my room, I'll light some candles, turn on some music, and you can have the best afternoon you can remember. I'm gonna go sit on the couch. When you decide, let me know."

Ted walks across the room and sits on the couch. Myrtle is a little flustered at first. After a few minutes, she regains her composure. She rummages around in her purse and finds her wallet. She searches through it and finally pulls out a $20 bill. She gets out of her chair and goes over to where Ted is on the couch and she puts the money in his hand.

"Ahhh, good choice Myrtle. Give me a couple of minutes to get everything set up, and then you can come on down to my room when you're ready."

"Oh, no, dear," she replies. "I don't want to go back to your room. I want it four times in the chair."

[Monsterlover]

[Bick]

Why Young Sexy Women Can't Marry Rich Powerful Men

This post appeared on Craigslist as a classic that hit the frontpage of thousands of websites worldwide. Apparently, a supposedly beautiful 25-year-old woman was trying her luck on Craigslist...


What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

Wall Street banker Rob Campbell (Employed by JP Morgan) gave our girl a shake that she'll never forget. =)


I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity!in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold "hence the rub"marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

[red baron]

Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball
back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch..


All of a sudden . . . POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,
"I'm Mother Nature!"


"Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?"
"Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your
popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any
butter for your toast for the rest of your life .... As a matter of fact, you'll
never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!"

Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred,
where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."


Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!

[River]

Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!

 

 

[erkishhorde]

I was riding around town the other day after lunch. I had just eaten some tasty mabo ramen but it was a little spicy and the ride home was stirring up my stomach a little. So while I'm sitting at the light I feel a fart coming on. Meh, nobody can hear me all sealed up in their cages and even if they have their windows rolled down there's no way that they will hear me fart over the sound of my bike. Just to be safe I'll rev the engine a bit. Then nobody will hear it for sure. So I stand up off the seat a little and give the throttle a blip and have a nice relieving toot. Then it hit me. No seriously, it hit me. My girl friend was behind me and bopped me on the helmet saying, "I felt that."

True story just not recent. 

[Gator]

Irish Slipper
---------------------

Murphy's visiting his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?'

'No bother' he says, and he runs upstairs.

And there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters, sitting on their beds.

'Hello dere gals, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.'

'Fook off ya liar!' they both say.

'I'll prove it,' Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of them, Paddy?'

'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?'

[Ducatiloo]

Irish Slipper
---------------------

Murphy's visiting his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?'

'No bother' he says, and he runs upstairs.

And there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters, sitting on their beds.

'Hello dere gals, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.'

'Fook off ya liar!' they both say.

'I'll prove it,' Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of them, Paddy?'

'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?'

That made my day 

[ryandalling]

More jokes please!!!

[erkishhorde]

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs!"

[erkishhorde]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said,

"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went
to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?

She replied,

"I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

[Porsche Monkey]

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.

Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house . . . and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal .
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . . and his ass fell off.

The moral to this is:

'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ass.'

[sno_duc]

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.
 
               One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,'

               the insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. 
               I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him
               where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
 
               The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man
               arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.
                They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
               'This is the one right here.'
 
               The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady,
               'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'
 
               'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.
                Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
                The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
                    'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

[DCXCV]

Good thread to get going again.  I hate to be the one to tell you ya derby'd it, though.

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."