DMF joke thread

[eyeboy]

a man comes home from work to find his wife topless, rubbing cream on her chest. says the man, 'now what are you doing there?' the wife says 'heard on oprah today that it can make my chest larger, so i thought i'd give it a try' husband looks at her for a second and says 'try toilet paper, it worked on your ass'

[Duck-Stew]

So, this dyslexic guy walks into a bra....

[eyeboy]

So, this dyslexic guy walks into a bra....

 

[sno_duc]

A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arkansas DSP Trooper for Speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard
of no circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"     

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'a a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.







After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[sno_duc]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Duck-Stew]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

[vonkeswick]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

bahaha!!!

[DaniD]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset
at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk..
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset..
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to
worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent..

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else.
He fell asleep – I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Ducati wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid

[DaniD]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.  The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He says "Yes - just caffeine."
 
"Have you ever been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for two years."
 
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"  The guy says, "Yes...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K.  In that case, I can hire you right now.  Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM.  You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM, every day."
 
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM,  why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  No point in you coming in for that."
 

[junior varsity]

on the diaries: good twist on a classic.

[DaniD]

When girls don't put out!!


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits She couldn't decide which
one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new
shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for
each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
chic knows I'm smarter than her.

[Grampa]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'

''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.'

'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

''Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

''The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

[oldjackbob]

A DML admin walks into a bar with a frog on his head.

The bartender says "What the hell is that all about?"

The frog shrugs and says "I dunno...it started out as a wart on my ass". 

[sno_duc]

Horse, A Chicken & A Monster


On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.


One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.


Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!


Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.


Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Ducati.


Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.


Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Ducati, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.


After tying the other end to the passenger handles of the farmer's monster, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!


Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Ducati back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.


The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
 

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!


The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.


Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.


The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

















 When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Ducati To Pick Up Chicks!!!

[A.duc.H.duc.]

Horse, A Chicken & A Monster


On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.


One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.


Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!


Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.


Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Ducati.


Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.


Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Ducati, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.


After tying the other end to the passenger handles of the farmer's monster, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!


Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Ducati back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.


The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
 

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!


The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.


Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.


The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

















 When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Ducati To Pick Up Chicks!!!

waaaaa waaaa waaaa waaaaaaaaaaaa