DMF joke thread

[Monsterlover]

ROFL!!

[Goat_Herder]

I am going to hell for laughing at this one...  It's so bad yet so funny

[Gator]

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

[Gator]

Q: How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
3 standards zealots to point out that light bulbs have been deprecated in the LB 2.1 spec
1 to call upon everybody to ignore this deprecation
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[sno_duc]

Does the electrical powered light emiting device take off of the conveyor belt ??

[stopintime]

What about LEDs 

[Goat_Herder]

Q: How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
3 standards zealots to point out that light bulbs have been deprecated in the LB 2.1 spec
1 to call upon everybody to ignore this deprecation
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
1 to post "DERBY"
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
5 to post older posts with similar discussion in the tutorials section
13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
10 new members to ask what “DERBY” is
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Monsterlover]

[mstevens]

Q: How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

4 to post salacious photos of attractive women featuring light bulbs being used in unlikely ways.

[Goat_Herder]

4 to post salacious photos of attractive women featuring light bulbs being used in unlikely ways.

hmmmmm sleezy women and light bulbs...

[kopfjäger]

Q: How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
3 standards zealots to point out that light bulbs have been deprecated in the LB 2.1 spec
1 to call upon everybody to ignore this deprecation
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

 

[Porsche Monkey]

Two businessmen were out at their private golf club enjoying a beautiful afternoon with a round of golf. Since it was just the two of them, they were moving around the course in short time until they came upon a twosome of ladies on the twelfth hole.

The two men watched as the ladies hit their shots, carried on animated conversations and taking their own sweet time to finish play totally ignoring the twosome behind them. The more they watched, the more frustrated and angry the two men became as their round was slowed to a snail's pace.

Finally one of the men said, "I'm going to drive up to those ladies, give them a piece of my mind and tell them they better let us play through or else!"

As his companion watched, the first man drove up the cart path got about half the way to the ladies, abruptly turned around and returned to the tee.

The second golfer asked, "What did they say?"

The first said, "I couldn't say anything. As I got closer I realized that one of the ladies is my wife and the other is my mistress."

"That's OK, I'll go talk to them," replied the second man as he jumped into the cart and headed toward the women.

Suddenly he too made a U-turn and headed back to his playing partner.

As he approached the tee he said, "Small world, isn't it!"

[DCXCV]

As he approached the tee he said, "Small world, isn't it!"

Sounds like they could just make a foursome out of it.

[erkishhorde]

Guys shouldn't have all the fun. 


Back when I was young, and living at home with myparents, my girlfriend was over at our house visiting during a typical winter snow storm. We got quite an accumulation within a very short period of time.

Eventually the evening went by and I walked her home.

I left her off, as usual, and made my way back home ... the storm had pretty much let up by this time but the accumulation was significant.

A short time after I arrived home there was a loud banging on the front door.

My father got up and answered.

It was may girlfriend's father and he was steaming mad. "Your son peed in the snow in front of my house!!!" he screamed at my father.

My father was a fairly calm individual and quietly said "Jim, didn't you ever pee in the snow when you were a kid?"

My girlfriend's father screamed back ... "Yes I did ... but that is my daughter's handwriting!!!"

[hihhs]

An architect, an engineer, and a bartender are all at the dog park. All three are discussing how smart their dogs are.
Architect says "watch this" and throws a pile of bones on the ground. His dog assembles them into perfect pyramid.
The engineer throws a few bones on the ground and his dog makes levers and moves pyramid until it is oriented perfectly on an East/West axis.
Bartender says "go ahead, boy". His dogs crushes the pyramid into powder, snorts it, f#$%'s the other two dogs and call's in late for work.



Do you know the difference between a yacht captain* and God?
God doesn't think he's a yacht captain.

*attorney, architect, & banker are all possibilities here