DMF joke thread

[El Matador]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset
at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk..
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset..
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to
worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent..

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else.
He fell asleep – I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Ducati wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid

Baaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


Dude that is the funniest thing I{ve read lately!!!!!

[sno_duc]

You live in Arizona when..
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is

You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2... You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2... You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4... The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when....
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

[scienceiscool]

"y'all" is not singular.    yankees.

[junior varsity]

it also has the apostrophe in the wrong place, i noticed upon first read. And i know nobody with the 'double-name'...

[eltristo]

it also has the apostrophe in the wrong place, i noticed upon first read. And i know nobody with the 'double-name'...

When i lived in Louisiana, I had friends who would argue with me over where to put the apostrophe in y'all.  These were all educated people who recognized that it SHOULD be after the y, but had always seen it after the a. 

And my roommate in college was Billy Joe. 

[sno_duc]

Y'all are a tough crowd. Are blondes fair game?


Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said "Concentrate."




 
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class Section and sits down.

The flight attendant asks to see her ticket. She tells the blonde that her ticket is for Economy Class and that she will have to leave the First Class Section

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant alerts the pilot and copilot of the situation.

The copilot tells the blonde that she will have to move back to Economy Class.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal, and I'm staying right here!"

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asks him what he said make her move without any fuss.

The pilot smiled. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."





Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.




Q: Why do blondes have "TGIF" on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.



A brunette was visiting her blonde friend who had just gotten two dogs from the local rescue center.
She asked her friend their names.
The blonde said, "This big shepherd is named Rolex and the chow is Timex."
The brunette asked her friend how she happened to chose those strange names.
The blonde replied, "They're watch dogs."




Q: Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.



A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord but nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"




   Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen
to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
     They went to see "Closed for the Winter."



What did the blonde say
when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"


She was a bit overweight, so the blonde's doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returned she'd lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing! "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.





A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.





A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
   
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.
 
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
   
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
   
The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks ?"



After hearing that milk baths would make her beautiful, a blonde left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake — she probably meant 1.5 gallons. So he knocked on her door to clarify her note.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you really mean 15 gallons or did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
   
The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
   
The blonde said, "No. Just up to my breasts."



 What does a blonde make for dinner?
Reservations 

[SacDuc]

Q: What do an elephant and milk have in common?

A: They both come in quarts.

[Hank]

Why I fired my secretary:



Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.

My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go.
We dined instead at a little place with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment.  I'll be right back".
"OK", I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...On the couch...Naked...

[slowpoke13]

New Drink


A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice. So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks.......this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. In one second the sharp lime taste hits......At two seconds the Baileys curdles... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits......At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, 'Jesus, what do you call that drink?'

She smiles widely at him and says, 'Blow Job Revenge.'

[Popeye the Sailor]

Why I fired my secretary:



Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.

My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go.
We dined instead at a little place with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment.  I'll be right back".
"OK", I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...On the couch...Naked...

 

[Jaman]

You know how to recycle a condom?










Shake the F&#k out of it...

[Jobu]

Condom jokes 

A man and his wife are having what the wife believes is passionate, romantic sex to make their first child.

As soon as her husband is finished, she says "That was the best sex we have ever had, I love you so much. What should we name our first child?"

The husband then quickly pulls his condom off, ties it in a knot and says,

"If the little make the beast with two backser gets out of there, we'll call him Houdini."

[StrikeJollyRoger]

The Blonde Joke:

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are all locked up in prison.  The brunette and redhead escape and drag the blonde along with them.  The cops are hot on their tails but the girls dart down an alley.  Hiding from the cops, the brunette jumps into a trash can, the redhead dives into a box and the blonde hops into a sack.  The cops, hearing a noise, start searching the alley. 

When they get to the trash can the brunette says, "Meow."  The cops say, "Must be a cat, keep moving."
When they get to the box the redhead says, "Woof Woof!"  The cops say, "Must be a dog, keep moving."
When they get to the sack, the blonde says, "Potatoes!"



The Mother in Law Joke:

A man is walking along the beach after having a miserable day of fighting with his mother-in-law about all things in life.  As he kicks in the sand in disgust he uncovers a lamp.  He picks up the lamp and rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says, "I can grant you three wishes however your mother-in-law will get twice whatever you ask for."
Thrilled with having wishes the man blurts, "I wish I had one million dollars!"
A million dollars appears in front of the man, stacked all nice and neatly.  The genie replies, "Your wish is granted, of course now your mother-in-law has two million dollars."
Mildly irritated to hear his mother-in-law is profiting off of his wishes the man continues, "I wish I had fancy car!"
A fancy car appears in front of the man.  The genie replies, "Your wish is granted, of course now your mother-in-law has two million dollars and two fancy cars.
Visibly angry the man shouts, "I wish you'd beat me half to death!!"



The Political Joke:

The Pope, Obama and a Fox News Reporter are all in boat fishing on a lake.  An unexpected, strong gust of wind blows the Popes hat twenty yards away across the lake.  As the Pope and the reporter make preparations to start paddling the boat over to get the hat Obama says, "It's no problem, I'll go get it."  Obama then proceeds to stand up in the boat, step out and walk across the water, retrieve the Pope's hat, walk back across the water and sit back inside the boat.

The next day Fox News Headlines read: "Obama can't swim!"



The Niche Joke:

After attending a seminar together high on a mountain, a manager, an engineer and a computer scientist all jump into a car and start going down.  As they ride down the steep mountain-side road the brakes fail and the car careens out of control bashing and smashing against the guardrail and the side of the mountain until it miraculously skids sideways to a stop.  Faced with traveling the rest of the way down without brakes they begin brainstorming a solution. 

The manager says, "Well, I propose we decide upon a said goal and come up with a meaningful slogan to keep focused.  Once we have that we can divy up jobs to fit each of our strong suits and update each other on our completed work until our goal is reached."
The engineer retorts, "No, I have a better idea and that never works anyway!  I can crawl under the car right now, isolate the probable fluid leak, cut out the faulty section in the hose with my swiss army knife and patch the cable with some bubble gum which will be good enough for now."
Confused, the computer scientist poses, "Why go to all this work if we don't need to?  I think we should jump in the car and continue going down to see if the same problem will happen again."

[sno_duc]

Polite Way To Pee...
 
                       During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
                       Manners, asked her students the following question:
 
                       ' Michael , if you were on a date having dinner with
                        a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you
                       Have to go to the bathroom?'
 
                       Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
                       The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be
                       Rude and impolite.'
 
                       'What about you, Sherman , how would you say it?'
                       Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go
                       To the bathroom.  I'll be right back.'
 
 
                      'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say
                       The word bathroom at the dinner table.'
 
 
                       'And you, little Johnny , can you use your brain for
                       Once and show us your good manners?'
 
                       'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for
                       a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear
                             Friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to
                             After dinner.' '
 
                       The teacher fainted.

[Jaman]

**I aplogize in advance if this joke offends anybody - I am in no way racist - I laugh equally at any funny jokes deriding any & all races/genders/sexual orientations or any combination thereof!**

Subject: New Caddie

         A man goes to a public golf course

He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I
would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."


The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem,
but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you
is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're
willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell
me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to
himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and sa id, "No sir. Use your 3 wood..
A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with
the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the
hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is
gonna break left to right"

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this
green will break right to left"

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he
decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he
ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhous e, the man behind the counter asked,
"How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST
game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of
your robots.

See you next week.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.

Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I
would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies,
please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said,
"Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the
robots. We had too many complaints."

Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've
complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.

It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun
reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way. "

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't
show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro
shop, and the other is running for President."