DMF joke thread

[erkishhorde]

My wife couldn't wait to get home after our wedding reception. I was pretty keen as well, thinking she was after the night of passionate love-making I had in mind.

Turned out she just wanted to change her relationship status on Facebook from 'Engaged' to 'Married'.

[erkishhorde]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought...But you are wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS...But I was wrong!"

[Monsterlover]

LOL  eww

[somegirl]

^^ Reminds me of the time our dog agility instructor told me that Grover needed chiropractic adjustment, as he was a bit stiff in the rear.

He had a huge poo 2 minutes later.

[Porsche Monkey]

[Gator]

Not a joke but funny because its true, and a good ad.

[Gator]

Found this over on the OZ board

Zen!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off  and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6 If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14 Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Porsche Monkey]

[r_ciao]

Strange  Quotes From Sports Professionals:

1.Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State  basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at  practice: "My sister's expecting a
baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an  uncle or an aunt." (I wonder
if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January) 

2.Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 
'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't 
know and I don't care.'"

3.Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas  A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D: "Son,  looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject." 

4.Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob 
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because
 she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

5.Bobby Bowden, Florida States  football coach, when ask why he didn't
invest in Condos, Bobby said, I am too  old to use them now.

[angler]

So a 50 year old woman facing the depression of another year without a date decides to consult a medical professional regarding her inability to find a mate.  She makes an appointment with her Asian doctor.

When in the office, the doctor asks her to walk around the office.  After making her walk away from him and towards him, he makes her take off her clothes and repeat walking away from him and towards him. 

Woman: So doctor, what is wrong with me?

Asian Doctor: You have Ed Zachary's disease.

Woman: What is Ed Zachary's disease?

Asian Doctor: Your face rook Ed Zachary like your ass.

[needtorque]

Gandpa and his grandson go fishing.  While fishing the Grandpa pulls out a beer and the grandson asks if he can have one. 

Grandpa, "can ur dick touch ur ass?"

Granson, "No"

GP, "then ur not old enough"

Granpa pulls out a smoke and lights it

GS, "can I have one?"

GP, "can ur dick touch ur ass?"

GS, "No"

GP, "then ur not old enough"

Later that day the grandson pulls some oreos out of his luch bag and the grandpa asks if he can have one.

GS, "can ur dick touch ur ass?"

GP, "well, actually, yes"

GS, "then go make the beast with two backs urself!!"

[r_ciao]

Gandpa and his grandson go fishing.  While fishing the Grandpa pulls out a beer and the grandson asks if he can have one. 

Grandpa, "can ur dick touch ur ass?"

Granson, "No"

GP, "then ur not old enough"

Granpa pulls out a smoke and lights it

GS, "can I have one?"

GP, "can ur dick touch ur ass?"

GS, "No"

GP, "then ur not old enough"

Later that day the grandson pulls some oreos out of his luch bag and the grandpa asks if he can have one.

GS, "can ur dick touch ur ass?"

GP, "well, actually, yes"

GS, "then go make the beast with two backs urself!!"

  That's funny!
Ride safe everyone  [moto]
Ciao!

[r_ciao]

Where to Retire?
 
You can retire to  Phoenix , Arizona where..... 
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can retire to  California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can retire to  New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.   (Ed. note: if you even own a car!)

You can retire to  Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The two seasons are: winter, an 4th of July

You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob , Jimmy Bob , Mary Sue, Betty Jean , Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

You can retire to  Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car .
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3.. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can retire to the Midwest where....
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at? "
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can retire to Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[TiNi]

Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

 

[ducpainter]

That isn't funny.