DMF joke thread

[Gator]

THE CONSTITUTION --They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours? It was
written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for
over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

 
Thats funny

[Porsche Monkey]

http://wethepeople09171787.blogspot.com/2009/11/fall-classes-for-women.html



Flame suit on 

[Monsterlover]

[DesmoDiva]

http://wethepeople09171787.blogspot.com/2009/11/fall-classes-for-women.html



Flame suit on 

That is some funny shit!!!   

[r_ciao]

The Top Ten Reasons (Some) Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

Ciao!

[akmnstr]

Rush Limbaugh and Linda Trip were riding in an elevator together. Suddenly Linda pressed the "stop" button, ripped off her clothes and said "Oh Rush! Make me feel like a woman!" Rush ripped off his clothes and said "Okay! Fold these!"

[akmnstr]

Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

[akmnstr]

On a roll at the expense of Texas

The owner of a golf course in Lufkin was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% How much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[akmnstr]

To tell ya the truth, this former Alaskan has moved to Texas and is undergoing some misgivings.  These stories help to illustrate some of the issues that I am facing.  As far as I know, these tales are all true.

A senior at Texas A&M was overheard saying.. "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in East Texas." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in East Texas because everything happens in East Texas 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

The young man from Texas A&M came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

NEWS FLASH! -Bryan/College Station's worst disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

A Texas State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-20. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

A man in Tyler had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."

[angler]

To tell ya the truth, this former Alaskan has moved to Texas and is undergoing some misgivings.  

Please tell me you didn't move to Bryan/College Station!  That place is one of the worst college towns I have ever been in.  My GF did her MS and PhD there and I went with her to visit last year.  All I can say is I have no idea how anybody could live there for 7 years.......

[Porsche Monkey]

DOOOD!!!   Just so you know we had a cold front down here in San Antonio last night.  It got down to a chilly 41 degrees last night.  Its okay though because its back up to mid 70s all ready.  Worst cold front of the season so far.  And yes I was able to ride to work today. 

[akmnstr]

DOOOD!!!   Just so you know we had a cold front down here in San Antonio last night.  It got down to a chilly 41 degrees last night.  Its okay though because its back up to mid 70s all ready.  Worst cold front of the season so far.  And yes I was able to ride to work today. 

We had the same wimpy cold front.  There was frost at my new Texas home in Brazoria.  I got out my Alaskan riding gear and rode to work.  Speaking of Alaska, I miss the -20 temps, hugging brown bears, catching salmon with my bare hands and Sarah Palin:

 On "The Oprah Winfrey Show" today, Sarah Palin told the talk show queen that she continues to pray for her estranged, former-son-in-law-to-be, Levi Johnston.

   "Honestly, Oprah," confided Alaska's one-time governor, solemnly, "I've prayed so hard regarding Levi; I just can't understand why the disloyal, disrespectful little prick is still breathing!"

[akmnstr]

To be honest about the Alaska/Texas rivalry I should point out that for some Alaskan's the light of intelligence did burn dimly:

A young texan walks into a bar in Alaska. After many drinks, he announces to the whole bar that he is proud to be a new Alaskan. One of the old timers at the bar laughs at him and asks him if he has gone through the
"Ritual" yet. The lad asks what the "ritual" entails. The old timer says,"Well, to be an Alaskan, you have to kill a Polar Bear and make the beast with two backs an Eskimo." The young man says that he hasn't done either yet, so he and the old timer continue to drink heavily together and the old timer answers his questions about the "Ritual". The young man stands up and wobbles out of the bar drunk as can be.


About four hours later, he struggles back into the bar, all scratched and cut up. He summons all of this strength and shouts out "Where is this damn Eskimo I have to kill?"!

[Jaman]

Golf Story...

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was incritical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!" "It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed ...

The doctor snickered and said, "Ah, I'm just f**king with you.

She's dead.  What'd you shoot?"

[Porsche Monkey]

Oh damn thats rough