DMF joke thread

[Oldfisti]

BAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!             

[ducpainter]

 DO YOU SPEAK HEBREW?

  The captain of a Syrian Air Force transport flying over the Mediterranean sends out a MAYDAY message:

"This is Syrian Air Force # 174 announcing we have lost one engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!" No answer.
 
 A while later he announces, "This is Syrian Air Force # 174 again. We have now lost two engines and need to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"

Silence.

  A short while later the captain announces, "This is Syrian Air Force  #174 We are desperate.  We have now lost THREE engines and urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"

 Still no answer.

 Finally the captain calls out, "Help!  This is Syrian Air Force #174. We have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are  going to crash.  We need permission to land at ANY   
airport in the Middle East INCLUDING Israel!"

 Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit: "Shalom Syrian Air Force # 174.  This is Tel Aviv approach control.  We would like to help. "

 "Allah is praised," says the Syrian pilot. "Please give me instructions."
 
"Do you speak Hebrew?"
"No"
"OK, then please repeat after me:
 Yitgadal Viyitkadash Shimay Rabbah......"
( Prayer for the dead, amen!)

[Zaster]

This one is for the older folks who forgot how bad ass they can be and the younger folks who have yet to garner the wisdom of their years  :

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

Moral of this story...   

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

 BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged'.
 
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?


 





 
 
 
 

[Jaman]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

[Desmostro]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican ,
...

10 points of excellence
 

[Super T.I.B]

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my Balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid pregnant dog...why else would I buy dog food??

[Monsterlover]

I read this before somewhere. . .

did you post it?

did this happen to you?

if so, LOL^2

[Super T.I.B]

I read this before somewhere. . .

did you post it?

did this happen to you?

if so, LOL^2

Nah, I don't own a dog. 

[Monsterlover]

Still funny.

My wife about fell over when I read this out loud to her

[Super T.I.B]

& I'm not that quick witted. 

[Super T.I.B]

Someone asked me the other day;
'What's your pet hate?'
I said, 'It doesn't really like things
shoved up its arse.'




 

[Monsterlover]

Ha!

[r_ciao]

HELL  EXPLAINED BY  A CHEMISTRY  STUDENT
   
The  following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The  answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.  One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. 

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

 
This gives two possibilities:
 1.  If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the  rate at which souls enter Hell, then the  temperature and pressure in Hell will increase  until all Hell breaks loose.
 2.  If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the  increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature  and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. 

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct........leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God..'   

   THIS  STUDENT RECEIVED AN  A+.

[Oldfisti]

 


A++++   

[Monsterlover]

awesome